OKAY. I still don’t feel all that well. I still feel mentally drained out.

You know how it is like when you have exams? The actual exam period obviously gets very stressful, but once you’re done with your final paper, you still take a few days to recover from the exhaustion you experienced during and before exams.

I’ve been feeling like that somewhat. The post-exam fatigue.

Except worse.

I stayed up quite a bit last two weeks because my body was in a lot of pain AND because my brain had lots of things to sort out. A few things happened last week that completely zapped my energy away. I mean, dealing with pain in the body is one thing and when coupled with something emotionally or mentally triggering, I’m just left too charged up for anything else. It then takes me about a week after that to really regain all the energy and finally come back to my routine. My body requires EVEN more care and patience when I feel this way. But it’s during these times that my attention also shifts to my mind and heart. I tend to give more importance to how I think, how I feel.. my thoughts and my emotions, and not just the physical pain that I experience.

It’s these times when I see what it is like to really be human. Experiencing physical pain makes me feel alive enough I think, but to experience all kinds of emotions and thoughts together with that is a different story altogether. That’s being human, that’s being more alive than ever.  I don’t hide away from these things now. I think it requires some amount of courage to look straight at your thoughts and emotions and to figure them out, one by one, with patience and care. Just like my body needs my time, my mind and heart need my time as well. I’ve taken a while to understand this.

I gave myself this week to recover, to work through things slowly, without any kind of rush. Clearly, I’m not there yet. It’s Thursday already, but I require more rest. So even if I take a few more days to start feeling normal, that’s okay. I’ve been totally off routine this week –  I haven’t been able to go for Pilates, go into the pool as much or even walk like usual. Things are sort or and sort of not going according to my goals for this week. My main goal this week was to recover, which is happening slowly. But everything else.. not really.

It is also during such times that I have to be honest with people around me and tell them I’m not in a state to deal with anything new. If I need to, I make sure to tell people that I’ll catch up with them when I’m better. I simply can’t take in more information from anyone else when I have so much to sort out internally for myself. Since young I’ve had a tendency to listen to other people’s problems and to help them out – but these days I need to put myself before anyone else.

I’ve noticed what helps me feel better (other than sitting with myself) during such times is talking to complete strangers about something totally unrelated and light, or spending time with people who know that I take my time through things. I have my own way of processing thoughts and emotions, and I don’t appreciate being rushed through this. For a moment I may feel like dancing on “Desi Look” or “Chittiyan Kalaiyan”, and the next moment, I may want to run to my room to calm myself down or cry my heart out. Having this sort of a freedom is so important to me now!

There is a general pattern to how I  function and I’m okay with it – I feel like crap, I let myself feel like crap, I work myself out of the crap and I don’t feel like crap anymore :) So right now I’m some where between working myself out of the crap and not feeling like crap.

I allow myself feel what I need to feel, I look at my thoughts and keep the healthy ones, and then I slowly bring my focus back to present, back to where I am and where I’m headed. Sometimes this takes longer than usual. But so what?

OH. And I eat a lot of dark chocolate.