Last week I realized I needed a complete pause and so I have that to myself. I can’t say it made things any better but I’m very sure it would’ve been a lot worse had I not given myself that permission to rest.
This week, I still need to keep some things on hold but I want to get through my sessions of Pilates, which ultimately add to helping me feel stronger again.
Knowing that my arms are still weak and in so much pain, the only way about was to take frequent breaks to get through even the most basic of chores like dressing, bathing, getting ready for Pilates etc. I started getting ready for my Pilates session about four hours in advance and tried to squeeze a nap in between.
My goal this week would be to practice being more presebt than, focus on activities that help me feel better and most importantly, pace myself through everything I choose to do.
I’ve had a rough week attempting to function while my arms were simply not functioning. This week, I hope to do more for my arms by doing less in general. I’ve always struggled with slowing down and have come a long way with it… but to slow down further requires effort. It requires being present. I’ve observed that staying more present can change how you experience it and that in itself can be very useful.
When the whole of you is totally out of order and all you can do is let yourself be. It feels like all my nine joints have decided that they need complete rest now. I’m surrending to my body today because fighting it isn’t going to take me anywhere.
Could do with dark chocolate, kittens and puppies all day.
Took 5 orders (3 Large + 2 Small) for Rice Krispies Snack this week. All done! Feeling rather satisfied and accomplished. I’d be lying if I said I’m not tired but hey… I’m still smiling :) I managed to make two extra packs (small) in today’s batch – one for dad and one for anyone else who wants to get it!
This is me just four years back (4/9 joints down) – a point in my life I would never want to go back to, even if someone paid me a million dollars for it.
I had received a diagnosis just two months before this photo was taken. My parents’ divorce was at its peak and there was so much uncalled for responsibility around it. My career and life plans were falling apart. My boyfriend of 5 years and I were going through a very painful break-up. I was popping 8 painkillers a day + 6 muscle relaxants + non-addictive sleeping pill and yet finding no relief. I had migraines which drove me mad and there was this annoying, buzzing noise at the back of my brain which just never stopped.
I couldn’t close my eyes or be alone in a room because I feared my body might fail me in some way. I rarely slept and if I did, I got nightmares and I’d wake up drenched in sweat. At times I was afraid I’d never wake up. I had palpitations and sudden fall in blood-pressure a number of times in a day. I would lose balance as I walked. I couldn’t wash my own hair or even dress myself. The creative inside me was no where to be found. My body needed energy and I couldn’t eat. I was hospitalized a few times because I started reacting to some medicines.
I only got weaker.
I was trying to hold onto my life, every bit of it, and the harder I tried, the more defeated I felt. My body was screaming at me and I didn’t listen. People around me wanted things out of me that I simply couldn’t give. I needed myself more than anyone else and I kept putting everyone else before me.
There was nothing familiar left about me or my surrounding. I didn’t trust my body and I didn’t trust anyone else either. The fighter in me could no longer fight. I thought I knew what strength was all about but I clearly didn’t.
I needed to let go.
And after what seemed like eons,
I finally started learning to let go,
to accept what can’t be changed,
and to work with my body.
There is more to learn + create,
but right here today,
It’s all okay.
Don’t let anyone rush you through your healing process. It is not selfish to take the necessary time that you need in order to heal wholly. Don’t let anyone tell you that taking time to heal is selfish. In fact, it is selfish to rush others through their process just because your pace is different. Forgive and continue on your healing journey.