Soft one

Dear soft one,

Just because you search for meaning in life and process your experience at a deeper level doesn’t mean that people around you do the same.

Not everyone you come across has the capacity or readiness to journey with you through the complexities of life and the depth of your being.

Digging inwards, layer by layer, requires patience and courage.

Being vulnerable and

speaking your truth requires you to be brave,

to embrace your imperfections and practice self-compassion.

It calls for a willingness to evolve and change;

and not everyone is open to it.

Stay true to yourself.

Stay committed to your journey because healing and coming back home is worth so much more.

Stay soft.

Love,

A soft one, too.

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सेलfie/LE/

सेलfie/LE/ because, why not. Haven’t gotten a chance to really post much on here as my trip has been rather hectic and I haven’t been feeling too well. It’s my third week of antibiotics and fifth week of stronger muscle relaxants and I wish I could say I was doing better.

Nausea and migraine on top of aches and pains and wobbly joints feels like shit because there’s more that needs to be done over the next few weeks and I’m forced to take things slower yet again. It’s a challenge to be sick and do things ‘normal’ people can so easily manage so I try to break down bigger tasks into smaller, more achievable steps and get through them one thing at a time.

Well, I could’ve been a lot worse at this point, so all in all, I think I’m doing quite okay.

Look back…

If you ever forget how strong you are, pause for a moment and look back – look at all the times you fell and stood up, not just stronger but courageous enough to try over and over again. Look back at the times you could have shut yourself to love and pain, and built a wall around your heart, but you chose to remain soft and let light in anyway. Look at the times you showed up; for people and yourself. Your story makes only a part of you, and the lessons your learn and how you evolve, make up the rest of you. Ask yourself, “how has my story changed me for the better?” If ever you doubt your strength, your ability to love, your discernment and authenticity to walk your own path, look back… look back and see how far you’ve come. It’ll make it easier to continue moving ahead if you realise how unstoppable you’ve been up till now.

 

 

#strength #soft #courage #grow #love #acceptance #life #chronicillness #relationships #chronicillnesswarrior #ehlersdanlossyndrome #hypermobility #friendship #pain #suffering #family #illness #rare #light #journey #pause #unstoppable #keepgoing #faith #trust

Latest update

Last few days have been so ridiculously exhausting. I spent most part of my birthday and Diwali week just running around hospitals, popping strong anti-inflammatory tablets and muscle relaxants and getting scans and tests to figure out the cause behind this maddening, deep ache in my right lower back, abdomen and hip (I find one-sided aches more challenging to manage).Honest to heaven, I haven’t experienced pain of a similar kind ever before in my last nine years of dealing with ehlers-danlos hypermobility type. This is not to say that I haven’t experienced pain of this intensity; no, I’ve dealt with higher magnitude of pain and much worse symptoms too. It’s just that I can easily and clearly distinguish between my ‘normal’ aches, pains and sensations and this strange, relatively new kind of discomfort, which initially seemed much like a muscle spasm. Let’s hope it’s not something I have to get used to. At this point, there are a few possibilities which we’re trying to explore and nothing can quite be said for sure till next week, sometime after my appointments with the specialists. Last couple of evenings have been just nice, calm and festive at the same time and filled with love and light (apart from food). Also, I’ve got a trip coming up real soon which I’m super excited about! Hopefully I’m healthy enough to travel and get by fairly well! There’s so much happening over the next few months I can’t even begin to explain out here…things are moving and they’re moving fast! I hope everyone’s been good. A very Happy Diwali, all!✨💕

#2013

It’s been four years since this photo and yet I get goosebumps just thinking about where I was at, both physically and mentally.

I was falling #sick with a cold or a stomach flu every other week, reacting to medicines which were supposed to help, afraid to be alone in my own bedroom, finding it hard to eat, needing help to wash my hair and sometimes even to brush my teeth, hating on my body for being fragile and weak, struggling to protect myself from people, fighting with school because they had no policies in place for people with medical issues, crying myself to bed every night, falling asleep with a strange emptiness in my #heart, waking up to feeling suffocated, hating on my creativity because I couldn’t pursue it the way I wanted to, feeling like every day was an absolute drag… I was claustrophobic in my own #body and #mind.

I wonder if this photo says any of that.

2013 was the year I knew I was done with everyone and everything around, including myself. Something needed to shift and I didn’t know what or how. All I knew was that life couldn’t possibly feel the way it did. Despite feeling like a hostage to my own #existence, there was a glimmer of #hope, a constant knowing that nothing was going to change until I decided to step up to where #life was heading. Stepping up at that point meant pausing and for once allowing myself to let it all sink in. Nothing was going to be anything like I had once imagined and I had to come to terms with that. I couldn’t distract or push myself anymore and I felt horrible. Who thinks about pausing/stopping at 23, right?

The thing is, some of us reach a point in our lives when we are faced with circumstances so real we simply can’t look away from them. Greater things are at play and our personal plans and effort make no sense. Life keeps finding ways to force us to look at what’s being presented and leaves us with two choices – to keep #suffering by avoiding pain OR to acknowledge pain and learn to #rise from there. #trust #acceptance #health #mentalhealth #pause #rest #recover

Looking back, I suppose there were things I had in 2013 which lead me to be where I’m at today. The daily struggle and fight have definitely added to all that I have become as a person and in some ways I’m grateful for it (not for the fight but for what came out of it). Of course, gratitude seemed like the last thing on my mind at that point in time because I was in this terribly dark space. Practicing and expressing gratitude, learning to accept whole and broken parts of me and making choices that honour my health (both mental + physical) has taken time and conscious work. I still have rough days but I’ve made peace with the fact that harder days are part and parcel of learning to live with a chronic illness. Today, I know better than ever before that while life is capable of giving you 5 reasons to fear, hate, complain, it will give you at least three reasons to trust, love and grow.