It’s been four years since this photo and yet I get goosebumps just thinking about where I was at, both physically and mentally.
I was falling #sick with a cold or a stomach flu every other week, reacting to medicines which were supposed to help, afraid to be alone in my own bedroom, finding it hard to eat, needing help to wash my hair and sometimes even to brush my teeth, hating on my body for being fragile and weak, struggling to protect myself from people, fighting with school because they had no policies in place for people with medical issues, crying myself to bed every night, falling asleep with a strange emptiness in my #heart, waking up to feeling suffocated, hating on my creativity because I couldn’t pursue it the way I wanted to, feeling like every day was an absolute drag… I was claustrophobic in my own #body and #mind.
I wonder if this photo says any of that.
2013 was the year I knew I was done with everyone and everything around, including myself. Something needed to shift and I didn’t know what or how. All I knew was that life couldn’t possibly feel the way it did. Despite feeling like a hostage to my own #existence, there was a glimmer of #hope, a constant knowing that nothing was going to change until I decided to step up to where #life was heading. Stepping up at that point meant pausing and for once allowing myself to let it all sink in. Nothing was going to be anything like I had once imagined and I had to come to terms with that. I couldn’t distract or push myself anymore and I felt horrible. Who thinks about pausing/stopping at 23, right?
The thing is, some of us reach a point in our lives when we are faced with circumstances so real we simply can’t look away from them. Greater things are at play and our personal plans and effort make no sense. Life keeps finding ways to force us to look at what’s being presented and leaves us with two choices – to keep #suffering by avoiding pain OR to acknowledge pain and learn to #rise from there. #trust #acceptance #health #mentalhealth #pause #rest #recover
Looking back, I suppose there were things I had in 2013 which lead me to be where I’m at today. The daily struggle and fight have definitely added to all that I have become as a person and in some ways I’m grateful for it (not for the fight but for what came out of it). Of course, gratitude seemed like the last thing on my mind at that point in time because I was in this terribly dark space. Practicing and expressing gratitude, learning to accept whole and broken parts of me and making choices that honour my health (both mental + physical) has taken time and conscious work. I still have rough days but I’ve made peace with the fact that harder days are part and parcel of learning to live with a chronic illness. Today, I know better than ever before that while life is capable of giving you 5 reasons to fear, hate, complain, it will give you at least three reasons to trust, love and grow.
Reminding myself to trust the process, accept where I’m at today which isn’t where I was or where I will be permanently, and take it one day at a time through this significantly transformative period of my life. Transitions are never comfortable but I’ve found more strength in learning to ride the waves rather than just waiting/hoping/praying to get to the other point because quite honestly, you never know how long it can take. There are always lessons to learn if you keep your heart and mind open and there is always a chance for you to let go of the old and evolve. Being here in the now and learning to respond to what is is immensely empowering. You are exactly where you need to be.
You can be kind and assertive at the same time 💗Say no when that’s exactly what you want to say. Also, ask yourself who you’d like to explain yourself to and who you can do without having to.
Days of nothing but exhaustion.
People ask me where and how i find strength to get through days like today and while i have a long version of my entire journey up till now + my on-going process,
the shortest response i have is:
“With kindness, patience and love towards my body. It’s a struggle sometimes but sticking to a practise of self-care and self-work is a choice i continue to make every single day. And somewhere in between all that conscious work, i find strength, courage and acceptance.”
(Or maybe, coffee)
“But you, my dear,
you know well
that you can’t crave the rose
and fear the thorn.”
After more than two weeks of thinking through whether I wanted to or if I was even in the mood to host a mini Ganesh Chaturthi dinner, I finally figured I had to do it this time. I got a couple of messages from friends who were looking forward to it and I knew it wasn’t going to be like last year. This time round, everything was going to be different.
Because it is different.
Things change, times change.
What remained the same as last year was the feeling of love and joy, dressing up & being around a few people and knowing that no matter where life is heading, you’d always have some memories to look back upon and smile. To feel grateful for.
Ultimately, that’s really all I care about when it comes to festivals. If you’re like me, spiritual enough to respect that people get to have their own set of religious beliefs and, you’d agree that if any festival is celebrated with the people who love you and people you love, people who have been there for you and people you’ve been there for, and if you’re present in that moment, do a small ritual and feel immense gratitude, it is more than enough. You get to choose how you want to live your experience.
Amongst all the amazing photos captured that day, these three will always remind me that despite everything,
you have a choice.
To pick a family,
To dream freely,
To hope without fear,
To laugh without guilt,
To cry with your heart,
To love with your mind,
To sing your very own song,
To live with what you have and make the best out of it.
P.S. if you’re wondering what’s happening up there… you know, we were just trying to dance on “raat ke dhaaii baje” and “pinga” for very obvious reasons. Also, did you notice my freakishly bendy fingers?