Thank you, for being that one safe and healing space where I could just be without having to worry about what I am “supposed” to be or need to be.
Thank you for reminding me of the power in being soft and letting things unfold at their own pace. You’ve taught me how to find beauty and to come back home to myself whenever I had no where else to go. You’ve been wonderful.
Throwback to when I could still swim and position my arms a little more comfortably than right now. And now even though I end up walking in the pool or swimming with every move calculated and rehearsed thrice in my mind, I still find some peace being in the water. There’s something absolutely healing about water and I can’t find words to describe it. Leaving behind swimming 15-20 laps a day was hard because swimming was my escape or meditation (and it kept me physically fit enough) I thought, until I couldn’t escape anymore. Until I couldn’t run away from home, from a space I could barely breathe or be alone in, to really listen to my heart beat and know I was still alive. Until my body forced me to stay in bed and find a way to deal with reality, with love and compassion for myself first.
Again, it doesn’t hurt so much anymore so I can actually share these things with you. In fact, this is so freeing, realising that I’ve learnt to let go of things I tried holding on to for a very long time, almost hoping they’d come back and fit together into this picture-perfect life; things that I thought made me who I was. Perhaps the way it happened wasn’t the best but I’m grateful to have realised very early in my life what truly matters. What I was never wrong about was that I was constantly seeking peace and a reason to be happy and activities like dance and swimming kind of gave me a taste of both.
Today, I am thankful my experiences have taught me that true source of peace and happiness, the kind of peace and happiness that makes you really glow, is within us. I can be in bed and in pain and still be at peace, still be somewhat happy knowing what I now know for sure. Getting here took equal parts faith (in my body and something bigger) and conscious actions (because even when you think you don’t have control, you still have a choice to remain stuck or take the next best step), and maybe a dash of sparkles. ✨
And today I realized,
I’m quite at peace with where I’m at.
Of course, there will always be things to work on and move towards,
and every once in a while I will get overwhelmed with everything that’s going wrong and experience a meltdown for a while – it’s part of the healing process too.
But to be here,
present in this very moment,
with a fragile body that hurts twenty-four-seven,
and still feel alright deep down
is nothing short of an achievement.
The way things were going,
I didn’t think it was ever possible – this ability to be okay with a disability and exist without too much dependence on someone.
Nature always does something to me. It gets me thinking (in a good way) and in some ways, brings out the real me in me.
As I sat there by the water today, looking at the magnificent colours around me,
I knew it was all okay. And going to be okay.
I was there with my knees swollen but my heart was full of love and gratitude.
All that I need in this phase of life, I already have.
A big thank you to all those who are a part of my journey.
Love,
Manasi
Let me tell you a short story about yesterday.
So I left home with a friend, expecting to go to a flea market and be back home within two hours. The flea market turned out rather pathetic so we landed up in this adorable cafe and had traditional Chinese milk tea + an almond cake. Then, since I was extremely excited about finally being out (not a medical appointment for once) after my flight back from India took a toll on me, I thought I could handle a couple more hours of staying out. We decided to go this beautiful place and sit by the water and think about life.
What happened next was totally unexpected and impulsive – instead of just sitting by the water, we went on a paddle boat for an hour. At this point, I must tell you that I love water (I think it has some healing effect on me) and I’ve always enjoyed water sports as a child. Just about seven years ago, I was close to getting a kayaking license and was looking forward to kayaking to some nearby island.
Okay, back to the present – some memories came flooding in and I was surprised that none of them made me sad or upset. Past is gone for a reason and my reason here (health) is of immense value, something most chronically ill people understand. I realized that paddle boating was probably the closest I was goinh to get to any form of water sports now so why not just give it a shot?
The seats didn’t exactly look comfortable and were clearly at an angle that’s bad for my back. The paddles too, were located at an angle not quite right for my knees but even then… I wanted to give it a shot. I trusted my friend to take over when I needed a break so we hopped onto the paddle boat and went paddling away.
Well, we had a blast. We literally blasted Bollywood songs and laughed our heads off. Unfortunately, the winds were pretty strong and the waves were kind of harsh so we needed to be towed back after our time was up. I was kind of tired anyway so I’m glad we got a quick ride back.
So today, I woke up with noticeably high pain levels and extreme tightness in my lower back. It’s a challenge to walk around the house and I had to cancel Pilates just to stay in and rest my inflamed lower body. My calves, hamstrings and glutes really did a lot of work last evening. You might think that’s good, but trust me, this isn’t your after-workout-feel-good-and-sexy kind of pain I’m talking about.
Anyway, to conclude my little story. I’m super happy that I attempted something new. Something from my past but not quite. Something more present. And, I realized that it’s something that didn’t quite work for me – which is fine because I’ve got more information about my limitations. So do I regret getting on it? Yes and no. Yes, because dude pain is never fun. And no, because a part of me would’ve continuously longed for that experience and the sheer possibility of it perhaps not hurting me would’ve bothered the shit out of me.
Now I know better and next time, I’m taking one more person along with me so I can rest and the other two can paddle. Royal treatment? Sure, that’s better than being royally screwed (by pain) later.
Love,
Manasi
It’s been a while since I used water colours and now that I’m experimenting all over again, I have to say, I think I might be addicted. It is so insanely therapeutic. Considering that I do more intricate patterns and zentangles, I end up using markers more often than anything else. This is a great change though!
“Not only the thirsty seek the water, the water as well seeks the thirsty.” ~ Rumi
My Tape Story 