A mandatory selfie to capture the memory of being out in 9 degrees (felt like 6?), under the sun, on my own, at 7:30am, in my gym pants, with a strange sense of comfort, no sensory overload, and of finally… FINALLY being in my own body, focused on every step because nothing else around me requires too much of my attention.

I walked around 1.2km, got us coffee, sat on a bench in peace, listening to the birds and felt a sense of calm in my heart. It was the feeling you get when you feel at home, a sense of safety and comfort, even though a place is new. And then my eyes filled up at the thought of how much I missed this.

A sense of quiet and stillness makes me feel at home… and lately it’s been far from that.

Thankful to be here today despite all the not so nice things in life.

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How I Walked Too Fast on Saturday

Last Saturday I went for a longer walk as planned. It was one of my weekly goals! I had thought I’d cover a greater distance at a slower than normal speed but what happened was that I covered a greater distance at a much much faster speed. As far as I remember, and according to RunKeeper, this was the fastest I’ve walked in the past one-and-half years! The last I walked so fast was before my knees were affected (December 2013!). Now that is crazy. I know, it sounds as if it’s such good news, but I really don’t think it is.

Of course I feel happy that I was able to do it, but the consequences are not worth it at all. Since that day, I haven’t been able to even walk my usual distance, at my usual speed or do Pilates. And this is all because I got completely carried away on Saturday… walking at 8.5minutes per Km. Okay, those who run, you’re allowed to laugh. But this is my fastest now. Can’t help it.

I think I started off at my usual pace (you can imagine what that is) and about 35 minutes later when I got back to my starting point (my home), I seriously got a shock of my life. I couldn’t believe the speed I was walking at! Just a fraction of a second later, I realized that my body wasn’t doing too well. Let me skip the details for now. It’s sad when this happens…. when I don’t realize what I’m doing to my body because of my mind.

My body was in pain throughout, but I didn’t stop. I didn’t register that I needed to stop.

So my brain was overworking throughout that week and when I went for my longer walk, my thoughts were really spinning and running at an unbelievable speed. I don’t think I was paying attention to my body even a bit (and I usually make sure I do) because I was busy catching hold of my thoughts. It was a week’s worth of mess that I had to figure out. Oh, AND, I lost my Bose Earphones few days ago (NOT the best time to have lost them……), so I was walking without music and I hate that.

I purposely listen to really slow songs so that I walk at a slower pace… take SLOOOOWWW steps forward…. one foot at a time….

That didn’t happen this time.

Being at the beach on a Saturday morning with all kinds of thoughts and without your earphones is a bad idea idea. You’re surrounded with people running, cycling and rollerblading their butts off; which is extremely motivating and demotivating at the same time. I usually feel motivated…not to try and match what they’re doing or their speed, but to do the best I can while listening to my body.

I didn’t feel motivated that day. It didn’t feel positive. The speed at which my brain was working matched the speed at which people around me were moving. I’m sure this had a subconscious effect on me and I ended up walking at a speed I forgot I was even capable of!

So here’s an equation I came up with. It’s harder to comprehend than Calculus. Trust me.

No slow music + thinking a lot + feeling like crap + checking out fit people = walking too fast = 4X(normal pain) + tensed back + inflamed knees = ruined routine for a week or two = feeling worse = slowing down all over again + talking lots of painkillers + icepacks and hot bags + extra tape and guards 

You know, I can push my body if I have to or if I must. But I don’t want to now and I surely don’t think it’s worth the pain and suffering it causes.

Each time I think about the consequences of pushing my body, I do not get a good feeling. Nope, not even if I walked at a speed I haven’t in sometime. What makes me feel good is that if ever I have to run for my life, maybe I’ll walk for my life at a faster pace. But other than that, nope. This doesn’t feel good.

Waking at an abnormal speed isn’t a solution to having my thoughts perfectly sorted. Maybe it works for others but I need be approaching this by slowing down (Yep! For the billionth time and counting) and working my way out of things. I need to keep calm and slow down.

I’m already feeling MUCH better now.  I will give myself a few more days to feel better and maybe a week to be able to walk again.

Good day!