Just yesterday, I found a box filled with all my design stuff which I hadn’t seen in many years. It seems I had forgotten about it and left it with my dad because I wasn’t ready to accept my new reality (and discard anything) and nor was I able resist it. I was experiencing the most horrible internal conflict of all time
To hold on or to let go.
My heart knew well that I needed to let go because I had fought enough and my body was changing. But my mind wouldn’t let me.
Holding on would mean disrespecting and dishonouring the one and only vessel I had for the rest of my life. I had to learn to accept it for what it is but how could I let go of all the things I loved, planned and wanted so much? I was suffering in every way possible.
I knew I had to pause but it was hard to put away my dreams and aspirations for a long period of uncertainty, of not knowing and having answers. And that was scary. But I did it any way because I could no longer neglect the messages from my body.
So when I decided I was ready to jump off the cliff, leave my full-time job, learn to live on my own and put my body first, I told myself I’d deal with this box when I am able to see my past as just one part of my life and not a reflection of my worth . Leaving the box behind, I remember feeling as if a burden of expectation to be the “perfect one” was lifted off my shoulder and at the same time, a heavy sense of grief towards my old self engulfed me.
Who am I without my dreams, I thought.
I know nothing off this path I have carved and imagined. I will be lost. I am lost. And what if I am never found again? What if, despite all my effort and desire to leave my old self behind, I can’t do it? How will I live from here, with the burden of having and wanting to be perfect and knowing that I was born in an imperfect body?
Does honouring my body, which feels like the right thing to do, equate to failure?
Will I be a failure in everyone’s eyes?
Am I a failure in my own eyes?
Here I am now, all set to let go of this box and its contents because they don’t serve the present me.
Maybe it all made sense to some extent then, at the age of 20 and in that once healthy body. I knew nothing more. All I knew came from old, expired programming that I grew up with and around. Today, I believe I am a better version of myself and I’m proud of how far I’ve come.
Of course, my past has served a purpose; it lead me to this day. It taught me the importance of tapping into my inner strength, finding courage to do what is right for the sake of my body, mind and soul without letting the external factors lead me into believing that what I knew was the only truth.
Today, I understand that those around me need not understand me, and that it doesn’t matter if one thinks of me as less but it can be disastrous if I ever let myself think I am not enough. Because I am. And while my path is new and least travelled, it reflects a truer version of myself. It is taking me to a place of peace with my body. I believe and I’ve noticed that this internal shift brings me closer to a life of joy and purpose, one where I wake up everyday knowing I’m making a difference whether or not it is visible to whole wide world and where I live each day as gracefully as possible.
Here I am now,
ready to let go of this box,
both literally and figuratively,
and make space for the new.
With a heart full of gratitude and a lightness, I am ready to give this part of my life a complete closure because I had already said goodbye a long, long time ago.
#chronicillness #ehlersdanlos rarediseaseweek #ehlerdanlossyndrome #hypermobility #EDS #rare #illness #2018 #awareness #pain #suffering #fatigue #brainfog #past #lettinggo #memories #interiorarchitecture #goals #dreams #aspirations#acceptance #health #mind #body #soul #purpose #healing #love
Goodbye vibes! You’ve been my favourite apartment of all time and I will always love you. Here’s me trying to pose when I could barely even stand. I haven’t slept well in days and my body hates the crap out of me. I’ve been functioning on high dose of anti-inflammatory and pain medications, pretty terrible food choices (because there’s too much on my plate right now) and lots of positive self.
Gone are the days when I could get a million things done all by myself and as much as I wish I could do more today I can’t and that’s okay. I am able to acknowledge when I need help and ask for it and that in itself has been a great progress. That said, I can’t be more grateful for people who’ve willingly helped whenever I needed and in any way they could. A big thank you to @shreya.j90 without whom I couldn’t possibly have made it through days of sorting, packing and running errands. I’d have loved to meet up with a few more people who have been an integral part of my life here but unfortunately, I have been in a bad shape and couldn’t have pushed myself. I love every single one of you and you will always hold a special place in my heart.
I’m in so much pain right now I’m just resting in @shreya.j90’s bed on an ice pack wondering how I’m even alive. Yet, I do believe that all is well. Everything is taken care of. If could say anything more, I’ll just add that I am definitely proud of how far I’ve come in the last 9+ years of dealing with a chronic illness. It’s been a journey of lessons and blessings which I probably wouldn’t exchange for anything. Until next time, lots of love and happy vibes🤗❤️✨
If you ever forget how strong you are, pause for a moment and look back – look at all the times you fell and stood up, not just stronger but courageous enough to try over and over again. Look back at the times you could have shut yourself to love and pain, and built a wall around your heart, but you chose to remain soft and let light in anyway. Look at the times you showed up; for people and yourself. Your story makes only a part of you, and the lessons your learn and how you evolve, make up the rest of you. Ask yourself, “how has my story changed me for the better?” If ever you doubt your strength, your ability to love, your discernment and authenticity to walk your own path, look back… look back and see how far you’ve come. It’ll make it easier to continue moving ahead if you realise how unstoppable you’ve been up till now.
#strength #soft #courage #grow #love #acceptance #life #chronicillness #relationships #chronicillnesswarrior #ehlersdanlossyndrome #hypermobility #friendship #pain #suffering #family #illness #rare #light #journey #pause #unstoppable #keepgoing #faith #trust
It’s been four years since this photo and yet I get goosebumps just thinking about where I was at, both physically and mentally.
I was falling #sick with a cold or a stomach flu every other week, reacting to medicines which were supposed to help, afraid to be alone in my own bedroom, finding it hard to eat, needing help to wash my hair and sometimes even to brush my teeth, hating on my body for being fragile and weak, struggling to protect myself from people, fighting with school because they had no policies in place for people with medical issues, crying myself to bed every night, falling asleep with a strange emptiness in my #heart, waking up to feeling suffocated, hating on my creativity because I couldn’t pursue it the way I wanted to, feeling like every day was an absolute drag… I was claustrophobic in my own #body and #mind.
I wonder if this photo says any of that.
2013 was the year I knew I was done with everyone and everything around, including myself. Something needed to shift and I didn’t know what or how. All I knew was that life couldn’t possibly feel the way it did. Despite feeling like a hostage to my own #existence, there was a glimmer of #hope, a constant knowing that nothing was going to change until I decided to step up to where #life was heading. Stepping up at that point meant pausing and for once allowing myself to let it all sink in. Nothing was going to be anything like I had once imagined and I had to come to terms with that. I couldn’t distract or push myself anymore and I felt horrible. Who thinks about pausing/stopping at 23, right?
The thing is, some of us reach a point in our lives when we are faced with circumstances so real we simply can’t look away from them. Greater things are at play and our personal plans and effort make no sense. Life keeps finding ways to force us to look at what’s being presented and leaves us with two choices – to keep #suffering by avoiding pain OR to acknowledge pain and learn to #rise from there. #trust #acceptance #health #mentalhealth #pause #rest #recover
Looking back, I suppose there were things I had in 2013 which lead me to be where I’m at today. The daily struggle and fight have definitely added to all that I have become as a person and in some ways I’m grateful for it (not for the fight but for what came out of it). Of course, gratitude seemed like the last thing on my mind at that point in time because I was in this terribly dark space. Practicing and expressing gratitude, learning to accept whole and broken parts of me and making choices that honour my health (both mental + physical) has taken time and conscious work. I still have rough days but I’ve made peace with the fact that harder days are part and parcel of learning to live with a chronic illness. Today, I know better than ever before that while life is capable of giving you 5 reasons to fear, hate, complain, it will give you at least three reasons to trust, love and grow.
“But you, my dear,
you know well
that you can’t crave the rose
and fear the thorn.”
clearly wasn’t aware of any chronic illness.
It’s been a while since I teared up thinking about my health. I somehow don’t cry much about my health anymore. I realize I’m doing all I can and that’s enough for me to not feel like total shit about my health.
But today was different. It was random. Unexpected.
I just burst into tears on my uber ride back home from the hospital.I had a lot of thoughts running through my mind. And a pathetically sad song playing on my iPhone.
Now that I think about it, I know I just got overwhelmed looking at another bag full of medicines. A new set again, for these new symptoms which won’t go away. The medical bills. The time. The energy expenditure. The fatigue. The pain.
It can get to you at times. It really can.
It’s a constant dance between your present and future. Every choice, every decision matters. You wake up every day making a choice to get through the day. You go to bed knowing you’ve done your best, say a little thank you, and fall asleep. And sometimes you stay up because your body won’t let you sleep.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not sharing this because I need pity (doesn’t help) and nor is it that I’m so devastated and can’t continue with life. I just wish to share two things –
1. Be grateful for your health if it’s still on your side. Not because it could be worse, but because you are okay today. In this very moment. Choose health, always.
2. It’s absolutely okay to cry. To feel like utter crap. To grieve over what’s gone. To worry, to feel upset, to feel annoyed or frustrated. It’s all okay. All normal. Let yourself have those emotions. Cry. Write. Yell. Speak with the ones who are on your side. Hug them. Whatever helps you process that emotion, do it. Then, once you’re better, remind yourself that you’ve got this. You’ve always done it right and you know what to do. Trust your body. No matter what comes. Honour your health. You’re on the same team.
#chronicillness #spoonie #chronicpain #elhersdanlossyndrome #elhersdanlos #tears #emotions #pain #suffering #chronicillnesswarrior #selflove #selfcare #health #mind #spoonielife #onedayatatime #trust #rare #illness #disorder #strength