Down.

 One of those days when all you can do is sleep with oils and hot packs.

My sleep was terrible last night. In fact, I haven’t been sleeping too well and I assume it’s because I’m still getting used to my new place. I usually need some extra time to settle in and get used to a new space. We all do I suppose.
It took me a while to fall asleep last night and I got up far too early. 5:20am? I woke up feeling extremely cold; to a point that I was shivering and needed to wear a sweatshirt, put on my socks, switch off the AC and get myself two hot packs to hold on to. Getting out of bed was a challenge because I hadn’t slept enough and my back as tight and in pain. Nope, I didn’t get a dream and nor did I wake up feeling anything. I just woke up feeling abnormally cold.

No, I wasn’t running a fever either. I checked. My temperature was kind on the lower side instead. I don’t usually get up because it’s too cold in my room. I’d get up if it gets too hot sometimes. The AC needs servicing, so you can imagine, it really wasn’t that cold to begin with. I decided to push myself out of bed, even if I was freezing to death, and start with my day. I had to because my brain was active (tired, but active) and my body didn’t want to cooperate. I know it needed rest but staying in bed wasn’t helping.

Within an hour or so, I got back in bed again. There was no way I could’ve continued with the day. There is no way I’m going to be able to sit with my laptop or get anything done, even though my brain could handle it. It doesn’t even seem like a work-from-bed day. Today, my body needs extra care and rest and that’s what it has to get.

That’s just how it is – every day looks different, yet can feel the same.
🌷

April Till Now.

Here’s my list of complaints:

  1. I still haven’t recovered physically from that super fast walk on April 11. My knees and lower back still hurt and I’m not managing to keep up with my daily walk at all. I’ve needed  extra painkillers again.
  2. No Pilates for the past 2 weeks, after managing pretty well through March.
  3. No pool. This sucks.
  4. I’ve been exhausted out of my mind. My brain has had a pattern – process, process, process SHUT DOWN, process SHUT DOWN, SHUT DOWN, process, process SHUT DOWN, process, process, process, process, SHUT DOWN… [for the past 15 days or so]. Tiring.
  5. Why did everything have to happen at the same time! All kinds of emotions at once? Really? Tiring.
  6. I’ve had an icky diet! Sick diet! Eww. Other than lots of mental processing, I ate all kinds of food that I usually don’t eat. No, NO.  That doesn’t mean I follow some sort of a fad diet to not put on weight and NO I don’t starve myself (I’ve come across far too many people in the past who believed that HMS happened to me because I didn’t eat enough!), I eat enough for my body and I can’t live without dark chocolates. I have a sensitive stomach, which I have to look after AND I am experimenting with some anti-inflammatory foods. So when I say I had an icky diet, all I mean is that I didn’t eat like I generally would. I ate too much for my body to handle.  I didn’t feel like cooking at home and it’s not as if I ate “right” outside.
  7. My sleep has been especially messy. I’ve been waking up every hour or so, feeling terribly warm at night and sweating at 18 degrees. I’ve been getting up way too early, even before the birds….
  8. And then spending rest of the day in more pain. Tiring.

And now onto the positive things that came out of this month:

  1. I feel much better that I sorted some things out over April. It was time. Things could have been a lot worse, but I handled them pretty well. I remained true to my needs, trusted my decisions and I did what I’ve been wanting to for sometime now. It’s always challenging to deal with ultra-sensitive topics! I feel so relieved now.
  2. 37bf1c620a0ce6440322baf1dd5b64c8I feel much lighter now; after experiencing some heavy emotions. Good thing  I didn’t distract myself too much from all that!
  3. I got some practice with saying NO.  A couple of incidents took place which made me realize that it has become especially important for me to say a clear NO and mean it.
  4. I was presented with an opportunity to look at my entire journey (like watching a movie about my life), since the day I was born till today, and see for myself that I really have come a long way. A really long way…
  5. While my mind was doing it’s own thing, a part of my heart opened up a bit. I came across new people, new perspectives and new ideas..
  6. I received beautiful compliments for my blog. It was encouraging to hear good things about it from friends and strangers! People want to read more.
  7. My Patient Story was finally published on Global Genes!
  8. I sold one of  my patterns! YES! I work on these patterns whenever I’m able to. I take custom orders depending on how much I can really manage.
  9. I threw away some more old stuff to make space for the new. It turned into a major highlight for this week.
  10. I got a chance to take things at my own pace. Without any sort of rush, without anyone pushing me to “feel better quickly” or to “be okay already”. I got my time to cry if I wanted to, laugh if I felt like, stare at the ceiling, sit and breathe, write, draw, stay in bed through the day with hot packs…..and just give myself the space and freedom to experience whatever I needed to in order for things to slowly fall back into place.  There was a time this wasn’t possible at all and I’m so grateful that it’s possible now.
  11. I think I’m ready to put everything back in place now :)

Conclusion:

Wow, looking at my list of good things.. I don’t think I want to even complain anymore. Just because April brought up some negative stuff and ruined my routine doesn’t actually mean it was THAT bad. Yes, it messed with my feelings and caused my body a lot more pain, but it propelled me forward along with all of that.

Alright April, you haven’t been that mean to me. Thank you.

Happy Weekend!

Still Need More Time And That’s Okay.

 OKAY. de137adfd5d1e012c45110808210e67dI still don’t feel all that well. I still feel mentally drained out.

You know how it is like when you have exams? The actual exam period obviously gets very stressful, but once you’re done with your final paper, you still take a few days to recover from the exhaustion you experienced during and before exams.

I’ve been feeling like that somewhat. The post-exam fatigue.

Except worse.

I stayed up quite a bit last two weeks because my body was in a lot of pain AND because my brain had lots of things to sort out. A few things happened last week that completely zapped my energy away. I mean, dealing with pain in the body is one thing and when coupled with something emotionally or mentally triggering, I’m just left too charged up for anything else. It then takes me about a week after that to really regain all the energy and finally come back to my routine. My body requires EVEN more care and patience when I feel this way. But it’s during these times that my attention also shifts to my mind and heart. I tend to give more importance to how I think, how I feel.. my thoughts and my emotions, and not just the physical pain that I experience51926853745859c2fd95141ee3735e18.

It’s these times when I see what it is like to really be human. Experiencing physical pain makes me feel alive enough I think, but to experience all kinds of emotions and thoughts together with that is a different story altogether. That’s being human, that’s being more alive than ever.  I don’t hide away from these things now. I think it requires some amount of courage to look straight at your thoughts and emotions and to figure them out, one by one, with patience and care. Just like my body needs my time, my mind and heart need my time as well. I’ve taken a while to understand this.

I gave myself this week to recover, to work through things slowly, without any kind of rush. Clearly, I’m not there yet. It’s Thursday already, but I require more rest. So even if I take a few more days to start feeling normal, that’s okay. I’ve been totally off routine this week –  I haven’t been able to go for Pilates, go into the pool as much or even walk like usual. Things are sort or and sort of not going according to my goals for this week. My main goal this week was to recover, which is happening slowly. But everything else.. not really.

It is also during such times that I have to be honest with people around me and tell them I’m not in a state to deal with anything new. If I need to, I make sure to tell people that I’ll catch up with them when I’m better. I simply can’t take in more information from anyone else when I have so much to sort out internally for myself. Since young I’ve had a tendency to listen to other people’s problems and to help them out – but these days I need to put myself before anyone else.

I’ve noticed what hela2454ac9d3e89a7ff709038bb5beeaa0ps me feel better (other than sitting with myself) during such times is talking to complete strangers about something totally unrelated and light, or spending time with people who know that I take my time through things. I have my own way of processing thoughts and emotions, and I don’t appreciate being rushed through this. For a moment I may feel like dancing on “Desi Look” or “Chittiyan Kalaiyan”, and the next moment, I may want to run to my room to calm myself down or cry my heart out. Having this sort of a freedom is so important to me now!

There is a general pattern to how I  function and I’m okay with it – I feel like crap, I let myself feel like crap, I work myself out of the crap and I don’t feel like crap anymore :) So right now I’m some where between working myself out of the crap and not feeling like crap.

I allow myself feel what I need to feel, I look at my thoughts and keep the healthy ones, and then I slowly bring my focus back to present, back to where I am and where I’m headed. Sometimes this takes longer than usual. But so what?

OH. And I eat a lot of dark chocolate. 

How I Walked Too Fast on Saturday

Last Saturday I went for a longer walk as planned. It was one of my weekly goals! I had thought I’d cover a greater distance at a slower than normal speed but what happened was that I covered a greater distance at a much much faster speed. As far as I remember, and according to RunKeeper, this was the fastest I’ve walked in the past one-and-half years! The last I walked so fast was before my knees were affected (December 2013!). Now that is crazy. I know, it sounds as if it’s such good news, but I really don’t think it is.

Of course I feel happy that I was able to do it, but the consequences are not worth it at all. Since that day, I haven’t been able to even walk my usual distance, at my usual speed or do Pilates. And this is all because I got completely carried away on Saturday… walking at 8.5minutes per Km. Okay, those who run, you’re allowed to laugh. But this is my fastest now. Can’t help it.

I think I started off at my usual pace (you can imagine what that is) and about 35 minutes later when I got back to my starting point (my home), I seriously got a shock of my life. I couldn’t believe the speed I was walking at! Just a fraction of a second later, I realized that my body wasn’t doing too well. Let me skip the details for now. It’s sad when this happens…. when I don’t realize what I’m doing to my body because of my mind.

My body was in pain throughout, but I didn’t stop. I didn’t register that I needed to stop.

So my brain was overworking throughout that week and when I went for my longer walk, my thoughts were really spinning and running at an unbelievable speed. I don’t think I was paying attention to my body even a bit (and I usually make sure I do) because I was busy catching hold of my thoughts. It was a week’s worth of mess that I had to figure out. Oh, AND, I lost my Bose Earphones few days ago (NOT the best time to have lost them……), so I was walking without music and I hate that.

I purposely listen to really slow songs so that I walk at a slower pace… take SLOOOOWWW steps forward…. one foot at a time….

That didn’t happen this time.

Being at the beach on a Saturday morning with all kinds of thoughts and without your earphones is a bad idea idea. You’re surrounded with people running, cycling and rollerblading their butts off; which is extremely motivating and demotivating at the same time. I usually feel motivated…not to try and match what they’re doing or their speed, but to do the best I can while listening to my body.

I didn’t feel motivated that day. It didn’t feel positive. The speed at which my brain was working matched the speed at which people around me were moving. I’m sure this had a subconscious effect on me and I ended up walking at a speed I forgot I was even capable of!

So here’s an equation I came up with. It’s harder to comprehend than Calculus. Trust me.

No slow music + thinking a lot + feeling like crap + checking out fit people = walking too fast = 4X(normal pain) + tensed back + inflamed knees = ruined routine for a week or two = feeling worse = slowing down all over again + talking lots of painkillers + icepacks and hot bags + extra tape and guards 

You know, I can push my body if I have to or if I must. But I don’t want to now and I surely don’t think it’s worth the pain and suffering it causes.

Each time I think about the consequences of pushing my body, I do not get a good feeling. Nope, not even if I walked at a speed I haven’t in sometime. What makes me feel good is that if ever I have to run for my life, maybe I’ll walk for my life at a faster pace. But other than that, nope. This doesn’t feel good.

Waking at an abnormal speed isn’t a solution to having my thoughts perfectly sorted. Maybe it works for others but I need be approaching this by slowing down (Yep! For the billionth time and counting) and working my way out of things. I need to keep calm and slow down.

I’m already feeling MUCH better now.  I will give myself a few more days to feel better and maybe a week to be able to walk again.

Good day!