My Response To A Request : Tips For Taping Of Joints (Unstable Shoulder).

A couple of days back, I received a request from a wonderful Family Nurse Practitioner in Seattle, Medea Karr (http://medeakarrfnp.com/), to share any tips or recommendations I might have about the use and application of Kinesio Tape (KT). For years now, I’ve had to make use of all kinds of guards, slings and “protective shields” for the eight (oops, no, Nine!) joints that I have to deal with and manage on a daily basis.
Medea mentioned that she has a patient who tends to have her shoulder joint move out of place while sleeping and wanted to know if taping might help. Yes! taping helps me keep my joints in place even at night. Once I put the tape on, it stays fine for about three to four days. It’s not as if it completely erases the chances of injuries during sleep (or in the day!) but it surely provides a decent level of support, as good or even better than some guards. I experience multi-directional instability in both my shoulders and trust me that I know, it can get exceedingly painful and annoying to wake up through the night because your shoulder joint is a little off. So I truly understand.
There are various methods of application, each focusing on a different set of muscles or ligaments, or for a different benefit/relief altogether. Personally, my symptoms are ever changing  and so I’ve had to experiment quite a bit before noticing the slight difference each pattern can make. I’ll be sharing some links to videos with specific patterns that have been working for me, along with a few tips to keep in mind while using the tape. I really hope this is of some help!
Please (here goes my little disclaimer), I am not certified in Kinesiology and I know from speaking with my Physiotherapists, that there is a particular art and technique behind using this tape. I would genuinely recommend you seek advice from a Therapist who is certified in Kinesiology and see what pattern would work the best for your condition and requirement. It also depends on the degree to which your joint is off, etc. If the tape isn’t applied in a particular manner, it is only as good as  some body art :)
You’ll probably find a lot of brands for the tape out in the market and naturally, some are stronger than the others in terms of tension. You might find that one brand irritates your skin lesser than the other and stuff like that. This is something you’ll have to just experiment and figure out. My personal favourite is the Rock Tape (http://www.rocktape.com/) .  A lot of athletes tend to use this brand, possibl because it seems like one of the toughest and most durable. I’ve seen for myself that the adhesive side really sticks onto my body well.
Here are the links to patterns that have been helping me with my shoulder instability, pain due to rotator cuff injuries and also with general posture improvement. I thought these videos were very informative and super easy to follow.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoWa1s56VNI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPx_cODeuTw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FPlptjGiSk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxOHLjkLzXU
Some tips to keep in mind while using the tape:
  1. Do not use the tape on any damaged, broken or sensitive areas of the body. It is recommended that you do a mini” sensitive skin test” whereby you put a small piece on a part of your body and watch if your skin has any adverse reaction to it.
  2. Once you know you’re safe and are ready to use it : Make sure you’ve cleaned the skin properly, removed any oils or lotions that may be on it. I use soap and pat dry the area before application. You could also use rubbing alcohol.
  3. Remember to always take a rough or an approximate measurement of the area you want to tape up before cutting out the pieces. That way you’re not unnecessarily wasting your tape.
  4. Make sure to snip off the sharp edges and make them rounded. Sharp edges and upturned corners  tend to stick to the clothing and causes the tape to peel off faster.
  5. Be careful not to touch the adhesive side of the tape too much while handling it. I suggest you roll open the adhesive side as you apply it over the skin instead of peeling off the sticker first.
  6. While putting on the tape, remember not to stretch the ends of it. Any sort of stretch or pull is usually in the mid section of the tape; never at the starting point or the end (the anchors). We need to leave these two points entirely un-stretched so that they’re able to hold the tape down for us. 
  7. Remember to rub the tape after application – the starting point, the ending point and along the whole structure/pattern. This is to create friction and generate heat so as to activate the adhesive. It ensures that the tape stays on for longer. 
  8. You can shower or bathe as per normal with this tape on. However, try to keep the area as free of soap as possible. For me,  if the residue from the soap sticks onto the adhesive side of the tape, I get an allergic reaction on that spot and the bumps and redness takes a very long time to subside. I have to leave that area to rest for a few days before I’m able to use tape on it again.
Other than making sure I have my shoulders taped up on the days they’re feeling loose and dangly and giving me too much issues, I make sure I create a little nest for myself every single night. I’m so sure most of us do this. I use a lot of pillows, cushions and towels when I sleep. They each have a strategic location on my bed and they work together to nest me up as I sleep through the night. I have had to train myself to sleep on my back because any other position is just too painful and seem to exert too much pressure on some of my joints. Sleeping on my back throughout the night is not the most comfortable but it is  something I’ve learnt to get used to. I make the most out of whatever soft items that I have, and in the past, it has even been my huge, fluffy teddy bear. 

❤︎

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Down.

 One of those days when all you can do is sleep with oils and hot packs.

My sleep was terrible last night. In fact, I haven’t been sleeping too well and I assume it’s because I’m still getting used to my new place. I usually need some extra time to settle in and get used to a new space. We all do I suppose.
It took me a while to fall asleep last night and I got up far too early. 5:20am? I woke up feeling extremely cold; to a point that I was shivering and needed to wear a sweatshirt, put on my socks, switch off the AC and get myself two hot packs to hold on to. Getting out of bed was a challenge because I hadn’t slept enough and my back as tight and in pain. Nope, I didn’t get a dream and nor did I wake up feeling anything. I just woke up feeling abnormally cold.

No, I wasn’t running a fever either. I checked. My temperature was kind on the lower side instead. I don’t usually get up because it’s too cold in my room. I’d get up if it gets too hot sometimes. The AC needs servicing, so you can imagine, it really wasn’t that cold to begin with. I decided to push myself out of bed, even if I was freezing to death, and start with my day. I had to because my brain was active (tired, but active) and my body didn’t want to cooperate. I know it needed rest but staying in bed wasn’t helping.

Within an hour or so, I got back in bed again. There was no way I could’ve continued with the day. There is no way I’m going to be able to sit with my laptop or get anything done, even though my brain could handle it. It doesn’t even seem like a work-from-bed day. Today, my body needs extra care and rest and that’s what it has to get.

That’s just how it is – every day looks different, yet can feel the same.
🌷

Brain Fog. 

When you’re experiencing a severe brain-fog and your Physiotherapist sticks a memo on the back of your phone to remind you to do things because you can’t remember anything for nuts.

Yesterday’s brain-fog was by far one of the most disorienting brain-fogs I’ve had this year. Maybe the haze is taking it a new level altogether. I lost clarity of things around me, I couldn’t think, my eyes were tired, I couldn’t type properly, I was walking like I might fall any minute, I was talking with words all jumbled up, and, I couldn’t remember what I did during Pilates the day before.

My Physiotherapist asked me if the things I might forget while I experience a brain-fog come back to me when the fog clears up. Yes, at least for me, I start to remember everything as the fog clears up. Sometimes this may take a few hours and sometimes, a few days. Things start to get clearer slowly but the exhaustion from the braindead-ness takes quite long to settle.

I’m feeling a little bit better today – less clouding of thoughts for sure and my eyes are able to focus better. Now, before I lose track of everything again, it’s time to stop looking at the phone screen.

September 18, 2014

September 18, 2014 was a major turning point in my life. I was on my way from school and a lorry hit my cab from the back, causing all the joints in my body to literally rattle and weaken. I experienced a quite an intense whiplash; with my neck and spine feeling the most amount of stress. Just few weeks earlier, someone at school had bumped right into my left shoulder, causing it to move out of position once again. I was barely healing from that injury when this accident happened. My left arm was in a sling and just as I settled in the cab on a long ride back home, I opened my sling up to give my shoulder a little rest when within seconds there was a loud bang and I thought that was it.

It took me a few seconds to actually register that a lorry hit my cab and a few seconds more than that to notice that my body was in shock.

The impact of the whiplash was so great that I couldn’t move one bit. I still remember how the traffic police just peeked into the cab, looked at me and got us to move to one side of the road and rode away on her motorbike. She didn’t think it was necessary to ask me if I was okay, and I assume it was because I looked completely alright! There was no blood, no visible injury for anyone to think that I was in severe pain – but I was. At that moment, I thanked my stars for being alive. It could have looked a lot worse but I was alive. I was in immense pain, but I was alive. I was breathing. I had no strength left in me to even make my way out of the cab in order to take down the details of the lorry etc.

That accident led me to make some even greater changes to my lifestyle. I was at the brink of having a major burnout and I didn’t want to fall into the dark pit of pure despair once again like I did around the time of my diagnosis. I had been working and pushing myself through life as if I was born with a fit and normal body, taking on too much and practically functioning on an empty tank. I was comparing myself to those around me who were blessed with a body that allowed them to continue to work according to their plans, pursue their passion and hobbies and I was only causing myself too much suffering. There were people around me who expected much more out of me and I was one of them too. It was this accident that made me see my reality, and for once stand up and make that tough but highly necessary call. It was time to prfioritize my health, my dear body, over anyone or anything else.

For months before September 18, 2014, I was hanging by the edge of the cliff, unable to take that leap of faith, which was required in order for my situation to really change. I feared screwing up and I doubted I could survive the consequences of those decisions. I was worried-sick, even though I knew I had to hold myself together and take that leap. I was suffering every single day, caught between what I should do versus what I need to do and want to do, and was experiencing terrible amount of fatigue and pain. I didn’t have it in me to close my eyes and trust that I knew what was right for my body. My personal expectations and those of others tied me down too much and kept me from giving myself what I needed at that point in time. Seeing that the life of those around me was far too different from mine used to make me feel as if I was at fault or as if I didn’t do enough and that wasn’t true at all. How my life has panned out wasn’t my fault. I didn’t consciously choose this situation and neither did I choose these circumstances to be born around or with. These were the cards I was dealt with and it was up to me now to stand in my own power and play them in a way that’s true to who I am and my condition.  This wasn’t a race against time or people. This was simply something I had to learn to work around.

It was also around this time that I understood that different doesn’t mean bad. It just means different. Sometimes different is good. Sometimes different is even better.

This accident finally made me realize that I had to stop. I had to pause and breathe before anything. I hadn’t given myself that permission to just take it slow because I was constantly thinking about my past goals or about not disappointing people. For months before the accident, I couldn’t gather the courage I needed in order to finally let myself rest. To say enough is enough and realize that it doesn’t matter what people say or feel, even if they’re our loved ones, because no one really knows what’s happening to us or our story as well as we do.

This accident FORCED me to STOP. It forced me to question my priorities. Was I my own priority or had I been giving priority to everyone else and everything else?

It was this accident which once again proved to me that not everything is in my control. I was looking after my body well, making sure I did what was needed for it to function, and did what I could to be more aware of my surroundings in order to not make any “mistakes” and hurt myself… AND guess what? This accident still happened. No matter how much we try to do things a particular way (often times we refer to it as doing things “right”), there will always be incidents that are totally beyond our control, and this accident was one of them. More often than not, these things happen because they’re meant to make us think. To force us to jump out of our comfort zone, or make that difficult decision, or simply to teach us something we are yet to learn.

It took me months to feel a slight amount of relief from the impact of the accident. Till then, I was popping an obscene amount of medicines to get me through the day and look and feel normal. Dealing with the post-accident stress was another story of its own. My skin was covered with a faint rash, which took a long time to disappear, and I was waking up at night dreaming of being hit and falling apart. At times, getting onto a Silvercab makes my body cringe a little, and I can’t help but be reminded of the accident and the effect it had on me.

Today, one year later, though there are still a few question marks in my life and there is a fair amount of instability and uncertainty associated with this condition and its consequences, I am so happy that I took those big steps forward. In some ways, this accident really helped me pick out what I needed to focus on. I chose to do things that felt right to me, even though I didn’t have a clue about whether or not they would actually turn out to be the “right” decisions ultimately. The thing is, I am now fully convinced that any decision made in favor or who I am at the very core of my being, and what my body truly needs for a condition that I’m born with,  has to be right; or at least must be one step closer in the right direction.  In fact, what is right for us today may look different tomorrow, depending on where we are our life anyway. Who says we can’t change our mind later? We might not be able to go back to that exact time, but we can most certainly learn to adapt and make better decisions as we move forward. Today, I’m  putting together a lifestyle that serves my present state and figuring it all out one day at a time. Some goals and dreams look significantly different from what I once thought I’d want, while some continue to stay strong. It surely requires a lot of patience when you have to rediscover all the possibilities while dealing with limitations so very real. 

My health has brought me closer to myself.

I’m relieved to finally have been able to write so much much about September 18, 2014. I barely spoke about it with anyone, so writing a blog post about it is a big deal.  

With that, goodnight and have a wonderful weekend!

❤︎

Happy to be slowly getting back to #Pilates after two months of doing no physical activity whatsoever and allowing my back to #rest.
The latest #disc injury, on top of the existing disc bulge has been harder to manage and has me made me re-design my entire #pain #management plan all over again.

It’s not been easy at all, but it’s been yet another phase of #learning to do what’s right for my #body in this moment and #accepting it for what it is along the way.
#HMS #EDS #Hypermobility #Syndrome #personal #experience #patience #strength #slowandsteady #chronic #illness #exhaustion #mytapestory

It’s Time Again.

Over the last eight to ten days, I have been looking and searching and texting and chatting and writing and talking and asking and answering so many things  that I think my brain is practically dead out of the excessive energy drainage. Nope, this is not something I am able to handle. Though I’ve gotten better, and certain choices that I made are proving to be right, I don’t think I have an unlimited supply of energy stored inside of me to handle so many things all at once.

It’s been a crazy hunt this time round too, and even with my physical limitation, I have managed to overcome this hunt. It’s a little accomplishment and worth a mini celebration because such factors add to the stability I need, which allows me to then work on things that I want to work on!

ODAAT has been on a pause for about a week. I came back home from a 6 week long family vacation and a new disc injury, ready to settle in and start with things I had planned to work on for ODAAT. Within a few days, I found out that I had to leave again and I was reminded  how unpredictable things can get once more! Not everything goes according to plan all the time. I wasn’t expecting this; so when I found that I had to leave, I wished I hadn’t unpacked from my vacation. The amount of energy lost in packing and unpacking just cannot be underestimated. I felt bad that ODAAT had to be on hold again, but my mantra has been One Day At A Time for a longggggg time anyway and I’ll just have to create another ‘flexi-plan’  when I’ve finally settled down in my new place. Looks like it’s time for yet anther directional change. A BIG major directional change. Leaving a place all of a sudden, managing a new disc injury and feeling weak from it, knowing the possibility of your close friend leaving and having no idea if you’d find a place just in time sounded like a bad combination of things to happen all together.

But it all turned out fine.

I looked up places like a mad woman, day in day out, could barely nap, had terrible sleep at night, and the concept of self-love faded off my mind for a bit because I was convinced that finding the right place was more important in this time of my life more than anything else. When you’re doing a lot of internal work, looking after yourself and working towards a future once again, the last thing you want is to be in an environment that doesn’t serve the same purpose for you. I decided that finding THAT one place for me to live in is going to be a true gift of self-love that I can give to myself at this point.

Yes. Uncertainty multiplied by a about a million.

One thing that was particularly different this time too was my fear level. I knew that place was out there for me; I was just a little nervous about the time that I was left with. I did my job to the best of my capacity (fine, I did push my body by a fair amount) and because I have to always think in terms of my body, the time limit just made no sense. Even then, I am happy to have handled this entire situation fairly well. Sometimes looking at the most unexpected events in your life as an opportunity to grow makes so much of a difference. This is an opportunity for me to grow. Thankfully, it’s been progressive, and even though it seems like ONE FAT LEAP FORWARD again, I’m less afraid of falling. I’m very very  grateful to have been in this place for the last ten months or so, learning to look after myself, taking baby steps forward and around the house, and having a very understanding flatmate to share this little place with.

The way I found my existing place last year was either a random stroke of luck or something that was meant to be this way. I’d like to think it was both. Back then, I was sure about my decision but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to survive. Finding a place that gave me all the space I needed along with someone I could speak life with, just sitting on the couch on random nights, was a great start to my goal towards becoming more independent.

I now look forward to yet another chapter of my life and as daunting as it can get to do this once again, I am ready. I’ve seen that sometimes you just have to let go of the cliff first to realize the immense strength and power you have residing within you or to notice all the different arms and fluffy, padded cushions just waiting to receive you. Support comes from all over the place if we are willing to open up, share our vulnerabilities and ask for help – neither of which equal to weakness.

Happy Wednesday!

An Excuse?

Before I write about what happened today, I’d just like to say – my intentions of sharing such an experience are rather clear – one, I wish that by reading these things we write, other ‘normal’ people are able to at least understand what sort of an effect their words or actions could have on people with a rare or chronic illness, even when they don’t mean to cause harm. I am aware that most of us don’t mean to, but does it really hurt to pause and think about it for a moment anyway? And two, I want to let those who are like me know that we are on the same side. We’re a team, no matter where each one of us is located or if we’d ever cross paths, we face similar situations and that we’re getting better at handling them through our experience. 


Someone asked me this morning how I was doing and since it had been a while from the last time I saw her, I gave her a quick update about the latest injury I’ve had. She heard me out I think and said something like, “Well, at least you don’t need an operation.” I said,” Yep. I don’t. I doubt that would help anyway.” She goes, “ Well it’s probably not that dire then.”

Fair enough. It probably isn’t that dire but it is causing me a lot of pain. And it’s not the same amount of pain someone else with healthy collagen would feel if he were to have a bulged out disc. 

And this happens next. 

She asked me when I plan to visit my brother and I told her that as much as I would LOVE to visit him, I do not think it’s a good idea at the moment. Given that a 20-minute taxi ride can take a horrible toll on me, I don’t wish to take on a 30-hour long journey for now.

Our conversation was going fine, I was telling her that if I do end up traveling anywhere, it would possibly be to see him first etc. Just then she goes, “NICE! You know what, just travel on Business Class. Come on, get your dad to get you on a Business Class and just go meet your brother! You have an excuse so that shouldn’t be a problem. Your back! Hahaha. Good excuse to travel on Business Class, eh?”

Honestly, I’m quite surprised that what she said didn’t get to me. It didn’t make me tear up on the spot and neither did it make me angry. I know she didn’t mean to say it the way it came across to me. I just made a mental note that I want to share this on my blog because sometimes even the closest of our people, or our health professionals, may end up making certain unintentional comments which can make us think for a bit. Depending on who I’m with, I decide if I wish to communicate my feelings or let it go. 

My reply to her was rather ‘normal’. I calmly said, “ Of course, for a long flight like that, I would need to fly on Business Class for sure.”

I’m guessing some of us who are reading this and are not dealing with an illness may find nothing ‘wrong’ with what just happened. You might even think I’m choosing words to focus on. You’re right to some extent, because I am. But you may be wrong for the reasons you come up with as to why I’m sharing this.

I don’t think what she said was ‘wrong’ per se, but it was something that reminded me of other times in the last seven years where I received similar comments, and I thought about all of us around the world who face such situations on a day to day basis. If I were someone who did not have an illness, I’d probably make a joke out it immediately. I do that even now because it can lighten up a situation and sometimes I don’t because not everything is meant to be light and funny all the time.

We don’t use health as an excuse. It’s not an excuse for us in any way. If anything, it’s the very opposite. If anything, we wish our health excused us for once. I doubt any one of us would like to use it to our advantage or something. 

Up till now, I don’t remember a single occasion in my life where I used my health as in excuse to do or not do something.

My health wasn’t an excuse when I had to submit incomplete design projects back in University. My health wasn’t an excuse when I had to cancel on my friends’ Birthday parties. My health wasn’t an excuse when I couldn’t deal with the noise around me because of the heightened pain level and needed space. My health wasn’t an excuse when I had to tell my boyfriend back then to carry my bags. My health wasn’t an excuse when I couldn’t do some basic household chores. My health wasn’t an excuse when I had to leave Design school. My health wasn’t an excuse when  I had to make a special request to the Business School to let me audio record my exams instead of writing them out. My health wasn’t an excuse when I had to tell my group-mates that I couldn’t stay back after school for group meetings because I attended a 3-hour lecture that morning and had no more energy left. My health wasn’t an excuse when I had to apply for the Disability Liaison Unit a year later. My health wasn’t an excuse when I had to stay home instead of going out with my brother because I was tired from traveling to the doctor that morning. My health wasn’t an excuse  when I had to tell someone next to me at a movie hall to exchange seats because I needed the aisle seat. My health wasn’t an excuse when I had to use a seat meant for the handicapped even though I looked young and fit. My health wasn’t an excuse when I had to take an elevator only meant for the handicapped. My health wasn’t an excuse when I had to spend a lot of money on taxis. My health wasn’t and excuse when I had to ask someone at the grocery store to help me with my basket. My health wasn’t an excuse when I decided that some relationships in my life must change. My health wasn’t an excuse when I decided to live on my own and learn to look after myself slowly.My health wasn’t an excuse when I decided to take my time for myself and make drastic changes to my lifestyle.

My health wasn’t ever an excuse.

My health was the reason; it was the reason I chose (or choose) to do things a particular way to reduce suffering and pain for myself, or fulfil my fundamental needs because I have a body that is very very different. 

So, nope. My health is not and will not be an excuse for me to travel on Business Class to see my brother.

 

#ODAAT

Hi Everyone! It’s finally time for me to share with you what I’ve been working on for a while now, other than looking after my health needs. I am so excited to share this idea with everyone and I’m looking forward to developing it further.

So here it goes!
I’m designing a personal journal meant to compliment our effort of creating and chasing bigger life goals, by keeping us more present and mindful of what we have today. It is a lifestyle journal to remind us to slow down, to accept who we are and love ourselves, and to be grateful for all that we have in the present moment.

ODAAT is a personal system to aid a change of perspective, to understand our thoughts and emotions at a deeper level, and live a more inspired life. It contains various practical tools from Positive Psychology and encourages creativity, compassion towards self and others and most importantly, helps us direct our energy into today instead of tomorrow. This journal helps us gain a stronger understanding of ourselves before we reach out to those around us. It also contains fun tasks specifically designed to open our heart and mind to the love around us.

One Day At A Time has been my ✨Manntra for a quite sometime now. My intention is to share this Manntra with those who are in a similar situation as I have been in, or with anyone who feels the need to live life differently. These are tools that I’ve been practicing and using in order to deal with the insane twists and turns my life has taken over the past few years.
That’s all for now! I’ll keep everyone updated as I continue to work on this :) 💕

Lots of love,
MD

Tip Toe If You Must, But Take The Step.

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I’ve been tiptoeing quite a bit since last year. One tiny conscious step at a time, I’ve been making changes to my life, all in an attempt to welcome a new way of living. In the right direction. I’ve taken some really big steps and some not so big ones – but I’ve take a step forward and that’s all that matters. I’ve made an effort to let go of certain things and accept a whole lot of other things.

Throughout past couple of years especially, I felt a need for change deep within me; right in my core. I always felt that things were too out of balance. I knew what I needed, what I was secretly craving.. but because of how my health was doing and for other personal reasons, I was never able to actually take the necessary next steps towards fulfilling those needs. There was always something holding me back or tying me down. I knew being where I was at that point was beginning to weigh me down and that just didn’t feel right anymore. I had to move on. I knew I had to move on. I knew I deserved to move on too, even with an illness. Yet, I couldn’t. I found myself  ‘trapped up’ in circumstances I didn’t quite create for myself. I needed to move forward for my health… but it was also my health holding me back a bit. The fear of not being able to manage was hard to ignore.

Then sometime after my Birthday last year, I felt this strange kind strength inside of me…deep in my core again, this voice that said, “Do it. You know what you need. You know exactly what it is that your body needs. You know how badly you need what you need. Do it.” I was afraid.  What if this was the biggest mistake of my life? What if I couldn’t manage? What if I didn’t figure everything out?  What if I needed help? What if I needed extra support? What  if this and what if that? My brain was going all out in order to scare me. To make me think. To protect me in some ways. It was only doing its job. But there was this other part of me which knew that no matter what came out of the decisions I took, no matter how scary things were, no matter how painful things could get… I could no longer continue being where I was. I couldn’t possibly allow myself to be stuck where I was just because I had no answers to what future holds for me.  No one knows what future holds for anyone anyway. I wanted a change. I wanted to know I could look after myself. I wanted to see it happen. The urge for the present to change began to feel MUCH GREATER than the fear of not being able to manage. Something needed to change. Something had to. I was starting to see beyond the fear.I couldn’t  disregard what my body needed.

Sometimes we know exactly what need to change and how to change it… but we still can’t get ourselves to make it happen. Something stops us… our thoughts, our emotions, people, circumstances, culture… beliefs…this list goes on. And then suddenly one day we find ourself in a place we don’t quite like. It happens to all of us. So before anything got worse, I thought it was time. For once, I trusted myself for knowing that my journey was real… and even with  all the fear trying to hold me back, I gathered every bit of courage I could find within myself and took a massive leap of faith. I had waited by the cliff too long and saw nothing change for me. I stood there too long. I didn’t need to anymore.  I had done my bit. My body was falling apart. There was no turning around and going back. I didn’t even want to. I just wanted to jump off, even if that meant falling down again. I wanted to jump off because that felt better than hanging on.  I took the leap, without any clear answers for tomorrow. Isn’t that what a leap of faith is all about?

I did it. And now some six months later, I  am still tiptoeing. Slowly. Steadily. I’m learning. I’m alright.

❤︎