Happy December, Everyone!
2015 has finally come to an end (almost) and I can’t wait to see what 2016 has in store for me. I seriously can’t. My planner is out of pages and looking back, I feel good about what I’ve overcome and how I feel more confident owning my story.
I haven’t been writing much out here lately because quite honestly, I’ve been a super caught up with things that require my attention even more at this point. There is only so much energy we have and we must be extremely cautious about where that energy goes. I’ve been working on directing this energy towards myself and my overall health till now and the results have been…..
Last couple of months were so eventful and as much as I would love to write about each of these events, I don’t think I have the time and freedom to do it yet. I’m at a point where action counts more than anything else and need to save my energy in every way possible. Heard of spoons? I need to be extra cautious with how I use my spoons.
I’ve learnt that it’s okay to feel vulnerable at times and it’s only this sort of a vulnerability that creates the best of relationships and connections. True friendships and relationships evolve out of being open about your suffering and pain and though I’m here writing to a large audience, I’m going to write as though I’m speaking with someone I could be very honest with.
For those who have been following my updates on ODAAT, more so on Instagram, I have to say… due to an urgent financial situation, I’m going to CHOOSE to put ODAAT on hold for a bit. ODAAT won’t be my focus at this point because my focus will be laying a stronger foundation for my healing to continue.
ODAAT will always be a huge part of me though. My Manntra has been to take it One Day At A Time and according to that, this is a situation I must deal with today.
As my life has taught me till now, we make plans and work on them and things can still go off track. Things go wrong (often they look wrong but they nudge us in the right direction), and we need to be adaptable enough to take the next best step. Often times, it’s these things that go “wrong” that really pushes you forward like you never imagined. I’m here taking my next best step towards what’s truly important to me as of now.
It would’ve taken much longer for ODAAT to finally be ready and I don’t have that kind of time on my side. ODAAT would surely have helped me with the situation but it meant a lot more than just a source of income. ODAAT was about extending help to others and it seems like life needs me to help myself first, which, I’ve learnt is always step one anyway. And as much as it hurts me to not be able to work on it, I am aware that this is MY decision, based on my priorities.
What I need to do is to ensure that I’m able to provide my body with what has been helping it. Wait. Let me correct that sentence a bit.
I want to ensure that I’m able to provide myself with what has been helping my overall health and well-being.
I can’t deny this fact – it’s when I started working on my mental, emotional and physical state all at once, I started noticing a difference DEEP DEEP DEEP within. I’ve had to take pretty though decisions till now now and they have caused a decent amount of turbulence around me, with not so pleasant consequence so.
“I can’t go back to where I used to be… every turn a surprise… “ – A Whole New World, Alladin.
Yet, even a little bit of progress means a lot to me and just based on that, I that what I need in order for my healing to continue is my own space and time. The change you notice in yourself is not always noticeable on the outside right away. It takes years and years sometimes to see a shift in the reality around you and again, there isn’t any quick-fix to this.
After spending a year with myself, I have learnt to be okay with the fact that I might have a different set of needs and wants, and what’s important to me doesn’t have to be important for anyone else.
I’d love to list all the possible ways I find myself in a slightly better position today but let me sort out the issue at hand first and I’ll happily share it all with you later on!
You see, if I must pick between my stability (which includes the right environment for healing to take place, more empowerment as a patient, the ability to listen and respond to my body and trust it, take it slow at MY pace and not someone else’s, and most importantly BE WHO I TRULY AM) and giving all of it up in order to make ODAAT happen (for example), the truth is, I will pick stability at this point. When I have a stronger foundation, I’d be able to work on anything I choose to. Right now, I’m choosing to fix the cracks and holes in my foundation because it doesn’t work for me any longer.
The day I have that sort of stability, I swear I’ll announce it to the whole wide world and on my blog and Instagram and everywhere possible (you get the point) and throw a mini tea party at my house for my friends because I’d be overflowing with happiness and crying about how much progress I’ve made since birth up till now.
Those who really do know me for the person I am, despite all the things that went wrong, have seen how things have shifted for me in just last one year. Yep. Isn’t it amazing what just a year can do? I am still in so much pain, my joints still sublax, I am still taking daily medicines to function, I still need my slings and guards and tapes… There is still so much I can’t do and probably never will be able to.. But I’m reaching a level of acceptance which at one point, seemed impossible.
I was afraid of owning my story; now I’m not.
This, to me = progress.
To be here today, surviving through the last 25 years of my life, is a victory in itself. And just this last one year has been enough for me to find a bit of trust in myself and my journey and to keep going.
I can’t wait for the day when everything is in place and I can finally take that one huge breath that I’ve been craving for …let’s say… ages. That one breath will be yet another victory altogether. That’s what I want. I’m working towards it, because no, sitting idle won’t help. No matter how difficult it gets from here, I will get through it.
I now realize my fundamental needs WAY more than I ever did before and though I think there is still a lot left to learn (I think learning never stops, no matter what age one is at. I don’t believe that the older you are the more mature or wise you are. Sometimes experience beats age. Sometimes age beats age. You just have to continue to learn and grow. That’s just my belief and yours could be different), my story has taught me enough to never do certain things again and continue certain things no matter what. It’s been a ride full of lessons and realizations. It’s a process which adds meaning and purpose to life.
Some processes take a lot of time and I don’t believe in rushing what actually needs extra space and time instead. It’s like this ,if you have a deep cut on your finger and have a band-aid on it, you wouldn’t keep trying to rip that off, would you? You know how painful it is and it starts affecting everything, but you also know that you’re not helping the healing process if you keep touching the wound. Let it heal.It’s the same with health. And when I say health, you know what I mean now.
I also don’t believe in rushing someone else’s healing process just because you want it to be faster or think it “should” go faster. We each have our unique way of dealing with our experiences and it need not be compared. I’ve seen that the more I focus on my over-all health and well-being, the more I realize what deserves my attention and what doesn’t.
2015 has slowly but certainly propelled me forward – beyond my fears, beyond my weaknesses. It has shown me hints of the strength that lies in the core of who I am. And that’s exactly what I needed. Somewhere over the last few years, it had all faded away and I forgot I had it in me to make things happen. My condition had made me immensely dependent on those around me and it wasn’t helping anyone. Not me or them. I couldn’t be in pain in peace. And they couldn’t see me in pain. I couldn’t work at a pace that was true to who I was becoming. There were expectations and the past was eating into my present and future. It was getting messed up. Though everything seemed alright from outside, it was starting to cause further damage to me internally. I didn’t want that to continue. It had to stop.
I have never felt better; never in the last so many years. There’s still so much to figure out and though future is still very uncertain (as it might be, given a rare, connective tissue disorder), I at least know there is a way ahead.
Feeling better doesn’t mean I’m pain-free (I wish that was the case!), it only means my mind is a bit more capable of dealing with the debilitating pain caused by this illness.
The question I ask myself is, do I have the space, time and opportunity to be patient with my body and allow it to heal?
You know how they say things always get worse before they get better? I’m aware of the possibility of my body feeling the consequences of certain decisions I might have to take due to the current situation, but I am convinced I’m doing what’s right for my health. Healing takes place inside out and there is no way forward without it first being inwards.
I think I’m ready for 2016. A month in advance, I’m ready. As long as I choose to honour my health, no matter what it looks like from the outside, I trust that I will continue to make a progress.
It’s bloody exciting! It’s going to be super exhausting too but just thinking about what lies beyond this initial pain makes me want to keep going. I somehow also get a feeling that I will receive the support I may need, as I need it. Let’s see.
So everyone, if you see no updates on my blog for a while from now, know that I am alive and carving my way towards health and well-being and working on creating some amount of stability for myself. I need this more than anything else at this point in time.
Wait up till I finally announce that I’ve survived this! :)
Lots of Love,