Seek

Throwback to when I could still swim and position my arms a little more comfortably than right now. And now even though I end up walking in the pool or swimming with every move calculated and rehearsed thrice in my mind, I still find some peace being in the water. There’s something absolutely healing about water and I can’t find words to describe it. Leaving behind swimming 15-20 laps a day was hard because swimming was my escape or meditation (and it kept me physically fit enough) I thought, until I couldn’t escape anymore. Until I couldn’t run away from home, from a space I could barely breathe or be alone in, to really listen to my heart beat and know I was still alive. Until  my body forced me to stay in bed and find a way to deal with reality, with love and compassion for myself first.

Again, it doesn’t hurt so much anymore so I can actually share these things with you. In fact, this is so freeing, realising that I’ve learnt to let go of things I tried holding on to for a very long time, almost hoping they’d come back and fit together into this picture-perfect life; things that I thought made me who I was. Perhaps the way it happened wasn’t the best but I’m grateful to have realised very early in my life what truly matters. What I was never wrong about was that I was constantly seeking peace and a reason to be happy and activities like dance and swimming kind of gave me a taste of both.

Today, I am thankful my experiences have taught me that true source of peace and happiness, the kind of peace and happiness that makes you really glow, is within us. I can be in bed and in pain and still be at peace, still be somewhat happy knowing what I  now know for sure. Getting here took equal parts faith (in my body and something bigger) and conscious actions (because even when you think you don’t have control, you still have a choice to remain stuck or take the next best step), and maybe a dash of sparkles. ✨

Hello there spoonies and other friends!

So while I was off social media, I took some time for myself and made sure I brought my interaction with people to a bare minimum. I met just a few people apart from my pilates instructor, physiotherapist, ayurveda therapist and naturopath but I made sure to look at my phone and laptop less. In fact, I wrote more in my journal and typed less on my phone.

Some of the experiences I had just over this week made me think through a lot about how far I’ve come and how far I’m yet to go. When you really make an effort to disconnect with the noise around you and connect with what is already within, you finally hear the noise within you loud and clear. And if you dig deep enough, and have the courage to dig further, you find that there’s so much wisdom residing in there that you barely ever need to seek answers from outside. A lot of what we need to know, we already do.

So, obviously, I made a list of ten things that came up for me in the course of this one week. I took some time to journal and think through each point even more and I figured I have so much to share and so much to learn at the same time. I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to share this list with everyone but I’ve made up my mind to do it anyway. Who knows, it might resonate with someone out there.

1. Listen more; to your inner wisdom and to those who need to be heard
2. Express more gratitude
3. Have the courage to ASK for your needs to be met
4. Be brave and say ‘NO’ if/when necessary
5. Preserve your energy; it’s everything
6. Reframe your past, refocus on your present and reimagine your future
7. Return to the thoughts of peace, love, health and success
8. Validate yourself for every progress you’ve made
9. Make your own decisions. You know what is best for you.
10. Trust that you will always be supported if you’re willing to jump off the cliff. Keep doing your best and being your best even if you’re at your weakest.

The most important thing I realized was that I NEEDED this time. Unless I make a conscious effort to create a space for myself, I will always be a part of something I don’t need to be a part of. Love, Manasi ❤️ #chronicillness #selfcare

If you have a story, write. If you have a story that changed you for the better, write for sure. Because when you do, you heal and create a safe space for others to heal.

There can never be enough stories of struggle and harsh realities which lead to strength, courage and acceptance.

Don't let your story confine you.
Let it become a catalyst for your growth, your ability to adapt + respond and your enthusiasm for life.

Love,
MD

Thank you


I just feel like saying a big thank you to all those who've loved me through my struggle with finding a diagnosis, leaving an old life behind, resisting a new one, accepting and coming to terms with where I'm at and making drastic lifestyle/career changes in order to manage my health.

Thank you for loving me despite my chronic illness.
Thank you for learning to grow with me ❤️

You didn't have to be family to promise that you'd be around whenever I need – you just chose to be there for me. Thank you!

So proud of this girl!

She sent me a message on Instagram right after reading a post (Measured steps) on my Instastory. Check it out!

I shared this screenshot on my Instastory with my response in pink. It’s meant for everyone who’s dealing with an illness and serves as a reminder to myself.

Measured steps

My back is in a terrible shape again. I haven’t been able to get out of my bed since last morrning, after my short walk. It’s been spasming pretty badly, making it difficult to rest.

Clearly, it can’t handle much activity at the moment. And, that’s fine too. It’s only understandable.

Last 5 days or so have been rather busy (strenuous for my body) with hospital visits and I also attempted walking a small distance yesterday and day before. Obviously, it doesn’t feel great seeing that my back has lost so much strength due to a flare up at the start of this year.

I haven’t fully recovered yet and I can tell that recovery is going to take MUCH long than what I first anticipated. In fact, somewhere after 4 months of being bedridden, I stopped wondering when I’d be okay because it was only making things harder. I was doing everything right, putting all the tools I’ve learned over last so many years to use, resting as much as possible and yet my back wasn’t improving.

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Once again, I realized that the only thing in my control is/was my response. I was doing my very best. My body was going to take its time to heal and I couldn’t magically put my back together and make it okay. That’s not how it works :) All I could do was continue doing things that could potentially help my back recover. I figured I’d rather accept the new baseline, the present, and learn to work around it.

Comparing myself to last year wasn’t helping just like comparing myself to pre-illness didn’t help when I was learning to accept my new reality. It made me feel stuck. I’m now at a point where even if I accidentally happen to push it, I might get bedridden all over again and I’d hate for that to happen.

Learning to work around new a baselines (and we may have many new ones in future since it’s a chronic illness) is the only way forward. Unfortunately, you take a risk each time you attempt taking a small step forward — you can’t fully be sure it won’t hurt you and you won’t know till you try. #chronicillness

See where you’re at, listen to your body and take a measured step forward. If it works, be patient and continue to take slow, measured steps. If it doesn’t, be EXTRA gentle with yourself — rest, adapt and try all over again.

Keep on going on 

There’s so much I’ve been thinking about lately and want to write about but my health has been keeping me terribly busy and I’m almost alway too exhausted for anything else.
My back, shoulders and knees have been screaming at me all at once with my right wrist, left thumb and neck taking turns. It’s tiring on all levels, especially with the brain fog kicking in every once in a while. Maybe this is the new exhaustion and fatigue level I need to learn to work around now that I have a new “normal” or new baseline to consider. It feels like I’m either resting/doing things that involve looking after myself or teaching/working on classes but to be honest, there is so much more going on in between! I’m doing a lot and I need to keep telling myself that.

Sometimes in the midst of trying to figure out everything, I forget that I’m doing my best and that there is only so much I can do given the circumstances.

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Sometimes we create our circumstances and sometimes we’re born into them. Either ways, we can only learn to respond to what is.

Keep on going on! You’re doing everything.

Have a happy weekend 🌺

(Dis)ability and In(Dependency)


Last few days highlighted my disability and helplessness in ways I have and continue to learn and make peace with.

I fell at a shopping mall and hurt my knee (falling down or getting into an accident is a big nightmare from someone like me), I saw a beautiful cat get hit by a car and realized how I couldn’t do much to save her only due to my physical limitations (post coming up) and the emotional pain of partial dependency and coming to terms with it you when you’re chronically ill (none of us choose dependency as option one. We didn’t consciously ask to be ill or unhealthy. And while we find ways to adapt and make peace with it because health is wealth, look at lessons and opportunities to evolve, it isn’t an easy process. Being sick is hard even if we figure out ways to make it slightly more tolerable. It isn’t easy knowing your strengths, your capability, your personality and attitude, your education, your drive and passion and then having to accept some amount of dependency due to physical limitations/dis(abilities). Do not get me wrong – I don’t regret having made certain choices and decisions, all I’m saying is that these were some of the most difficult and brave decisions I’ve made in favour of my health and I’m glad I did. I don’t know where I’d have been today had I not followed my guidance, despite all the external resistance. Just because something is right for you, doesn’t mean that it will be comfortable to come to terms with. However, you feel at peace deep within knowing you’ve honoured your health/stood up for yourself) came up for me through a rather time-wise unexpected, but intuitively anticipated news.

I won’t say anymore.

For now, I just need to be present and allow these emotions to run through me. It’s okay to have all kinds of ‘feels’ and feel ridiculously uncomfortable sometimes. Trust the process even if it seems unbearable for there is light within you and at the end of the tunnel. Feeling is being human, feeling is being alive. Let yourself have the time to process/work through emotions and once you’re ready, stand up, show up and take necessary actions to move forward.