So I’m sitting in my living room listening to mantras, my palo santo burning near my bookshelf, and i suddenly realize how quiet my entire apartment is. Everything is quiet. I’m in a noisy country but at this very point in time it’s all so quiet around me. I love this. I crave for this so much. This quietness is something I want and need to live this life to my very best.

There’s been far too much movement in my life lately (or should I say, all my life) that these moments of stillness is what brings me a sense of stability and peace. It allows me to connect with myself, which has been a little hard lately considering how terribly off track I am in terms of my daily routine and rituals that help me stay sane and manage my health. I can’t possibly stress enough how much a routine and some personal rituals have helped me to get here.

As the unpacking ends and the actual settling in begins, it looks like I can finally let go a little, slow down and focus a lot more on my health.

For the last eight months or so, my health took a backseat as I simply had to get through this move. I’ve been feeling sort of out of my element, you know, kind of scattered and all I know is that it’s not where I like to be. Despite dealing with a lot more health issues throughout 2017, I’ve had to push myself and make things happen. My thought was, the quicker I got things done, the quicker I got to rest. And now that my sanctuary has come alive to quite some extent, it’s time to prioritise health and self-care and work towards my next goal. More on that later.

Okay, I’m going to keep my phone away now and get back to sitting still. To listening to my heart beat. To watching those crazy thoughts come and go. To noticing pain.

To being thankful for being here.

#sanctuary #quiet #evenings #peace #calm #love #home #mantra #meditation #chronicillness #pain #suffering #eds #ehlersdanlos #ehlersdanlossyndrome #illness #routine #rituals #onestepatatime #gratitude #thankyou #health #mind #body

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#2013

It’s been four years since this photo and yet I get goosebumps just thinking about where I was at, both physically and mentally.

I was falling #sick with a cold or a stomach flu every other week, reacting to medicines which were supposed to help, afraid to be alone in my own bedroom, finding it hard to eat, needing help to wash my hair and sometimes even to brush my teeth, hating on my body for being fragile and weak, struggling to protect myself from people, fighting with school because they had no policies in place for people with medical issues, crying myself to bed every night, falling asleep with a strange emptiness in my #heart, waking up to feeling suffocated, hating on my creativity because I couldn’t pursue it the way I wanted to, feeling like every day was an absolute drag… I was claustrophobic in my own #body and #mind.

I wonder if this photo says any of that.

2013 was the year I knew I was done with everyone and everything around, including myself. Something needed to shift and I didn’t know what or how. All I knew was that life couldn’t possibly feel the way it did. Despite feeling like a hostage to my own #existence, there was a glimmer of #hope, a constant knowing that nothing was going to change until I decided to step up to where #life was heading. Stepping up at that point meant pausing and for once allowing myself to let it all sink in. Nothing was going to be anything like I had once imagined and I had to come to terms with that. I couldn’t distract or push myself anymore and I felt horrible. Who thinks about pausing/stopping at 23, right?

The thing is, some of us reach a point in our lives when we are faced with circumstances so real we simply can’t look away from them. Greater things are at play and our personal plans and effort make no sense. Life keeps finding ways to force us to look at what’s being presented and leaves us with two choices – to keep #suffering by avoiding pain OR to acknowledge pain and learn to #rise from there. #trust #acceptance #health #mentalhealth #pause #rest #recover

Looking back, I suppose there were things I had in 2013 which lead me to be where I’m at today. The daily struggle and fight have definitely added to all that I have become as a person and in some ways I’m grateful for it (not for the fight but for what came out of it). Of course, gratitude seemed like the last thing on my mind at that point in time because I was in this terribly dark space. Practicing and expressing gratitude, learning to accept whole and broken parts of me and making choices that honour my health (both mental + physical) has taken time and conscious work. I still have rough days but I’ve made peace with the fact that harder days are part and parcel of learning to live with a chronic illness. Today, I know better than ever before that while life is capable of giving you 5 reasons to fear, hate, complain, it will give you at least three reasons to trust, love and grow.

Peanut Butter + Strawberry Jam on a Rice Cake 

With my appetite being on the low side for the last few months, and now that I am finally back from a holiday,  I had to find ways to make sure I don’t stuff my body (because my stomach seriously can’t handle it) while ensuring that I am still eating something. 

Any form of grains tend to cause me too much bloating and heaviness in my gut but because I do have other pain medications to take other than just the antibiotics for SIBO, I try to at least have something relatively light and easy on my gut. There’s no SIBO specific diet I need to follow for now. 

Over the last one week or so, I’ve observed that a piece of rice cracker  doesn’t seem to over-bloat me and fills me up just enough to keep my body functioning. It’s been working well for now and plus, there is just no limit to the different toppings you can enjoy it with!