Seek

Throwback to when I could still swim and position my arms a little more comfortably than right now. And now even though I end up walking in the pool or swimming with every move calculated and rehearsed thrice in my mind, I still find some peace being in the water. There’s something absolutely healing about water and I can’t find words to describe it. Leaving behind swimming 15-20 laps a day was hard because swimming was my escape or meditation (and it kept me physically fit enough) I thought, until I couldn’t escape anymore. Until I couldn’t run away from home, from a space I could barely breathe or be alone in, to really listen to my heart beat and know I was still alive. Until  my body forced me to stay in bed and find a way to deal with reality, with love and compassion for myself first.

Again, it doesn’t hurt so much anymore so I can actually share these things with you. In fact, this is so freeing, realising that I’ve learnt to let go of things I tried holding on to for a very long time, almost hoping they’d come back and fit together into this picture-perfect life; things that I thought made me who I was. Perhaps the way it happened wasn’t the best but I’m grateful to have realised very early in my life what truly matters. What I was never wrong about was that I was constantly seeking peace and a reason to be happy and activities like dance and swimming kind of gave me a taste of both.

Today, I am thankful my experiences have taught me that true source of peace and happiness, the kind of peace and happiness that makes you really glow, is within us. I can be in bed and in pain and still be at peace, still be somewhat happy knowing what I  now know for sure. Getting here took equal parts faith (in my body and something bigger) and conscious actions (because even when you think you don’t have control, you still have a choice to remain stuck or take the next best step), and maybe a dash of sparkles. ✨

Measured steps

My back is in a terrible shape again. I haven’t been able to get out of my bed since last morrning, after my short walk. It’s been spasming pretty badly, making it difficult to rest.

Clearly, it can’t handle much activity at the moment. And, that’s fine too. It’s only understandable.

Last 5 days or so have been rather busy (strenuous for my body) with hospital visits and I also attempted walking a small distance yesterday and day before. Obviously, it doesn’t feel great seeing that my back has lost so much strength due to a flare up at the start of this year.

I haven’t fully recovered yet and I can tell that recovery is going to take MUCH long than what I first anticipated. In fact, somewhere after 4 months of being bedridden, I stopped wondering when I’d be okay because it was only making things harder. I was doing everything right, putting all the tools I’ve learned over last so many years to use, resting as much as possible and yet my back wasn’t improving.

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Once again, I realized that the only thing in my control is/was my response. I was doing my very best. My body was going to take its time to heal and I couldn’t magically put my back together and make it okay. That’s not how it works :) All I could do was continue doing things that could potentially help my back recover. I figured I’d rather accept the new baseline, the present, and learn to work around it.

Comparing myself to last year wasn’t helping just like comparing myself to pre-illness didn’t help when I was learning to accept my new reality. It made me feel stuck. I’m now at a point where even if I accidentally happen to push it, I might get bedridden all over again and I’d hate for that to happen.

Learning to work around new a baselines (and we may have many new ones in future since it’s a chronic illness) is the only way forward. Unfortunately, you take a risk each time you attempt taking a small step forward — you can’t fully be sure it won’t hurt you and you won’t know till you try. #chronicillness

See where you’re at, listen to your body and take a measured step forward. If it works, be patient and continue to take slow, measured steps. If it doesn’t, be EXTRA gentle with yourself — rest, adapt and try all over again.

Keep on going on 

There’s so much I’ve been thinking about lately and want to write about but my health has been keeping me terribly busy and I’m almost alway too exhausted for anything else.
My back, shoulders and knees have been screaming at me all at once with my right wrist, left thumb and neck taking turns. It’s tiring on all levels, especially with the brain fog kicking in every once in a while. Maybe this is the new exhaustion and fatigue level I need to learn to work around now that I have a new “normal” or new baseline to consider. It feels like I’m either resting/doing things that involve looking after myself or teaching/working on classes but to be honest, there is so much more going on in between! I’m doing a lot and I need to keep telling myself that.

Sometimes in the midst of trying to figure out everything, I forget that I’m doing my best and that there is only so much I can do given the circumstances.

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Sometimes we create our circumstances and sometimes we’re born into them. Either ways, we can only learn to respond to what is.

Keep on going on! You’re doing everything.

Have a happy weekend 🌺

(Dis)ability and In(Dependency)


Last few days highlighted my disability and helplessness in ways I have and continue to learn and make peace with.

I fell at a shopping mall and hurt my knee (falling down or getting into an accident is a big nightmare from someone like me), I saw a beautiful cat get hit by a car and realized how I couldn’t do much to save her only due to my physical limitations (post coming up) and the emotional pain of partial dependency and coming to terms with it you when you’re chronically ill (none of us choose dependency as option one. We didn’t consciously ask to be ill or unhealthy. And while we find ways to adapt and make peace with it because health is wealth, look at lessons and opportunities to evolve, it isn’t an easy process. Being sick is hard even if we figure out ways to make it slightly more tolerable. It isn’t easy knowing your strengths, your capability, your personality and attitude, your education, your drive and passion and then having to accept some amount of dependency due to physical limitations/dis(abilities). Do not get me wrong – I don’t regret having made certain choices and decisions, all I’m saying is that these were some of the most difficult and brave decisions I’ve made in favour of my health and I’m glad I did. I don’t know where I’d have been today had I not followed my guidance, despite all the external resistance. Just because something is right for you, doesn’t mean that it will be comfortable to come to terms with. However, you feel at peace deep within knowing you’ve honoured your health/stood up for yourself) came up for me through a rather time-wise unexpected, but intuitively anticipated news.

I won’t say anymore.

For now, I just need to be present and allow these emotions to run through me. It’s okay to have all kinds of ‘feels’ and feel ridiculously uncomfortable sometimes. Trust the process even if it seems unbearable for there is light within you and at the end of the tunnel. Feeling is being human, feeling is being alive. Let yourself have the time to process/work through emotions and once you’re ready, stand up, show up and take necessary actions to move forward.

It’s barely ever what you see

Here’s the thing about looking like a perfectly healthy individual when the truth is something else altogether

A bus has to wait for you to get into uber and the driver thinks you’re this fit and fine woman taking her own sweet time when you’re actually calculating every action and movement because both your shoulders are still hanging off loose and no body sees it.

You rush a little bit, your joints dislocate. Everyone’s fine. You’re not. Accidents happen and insurance companies might reimburse you a certain amount but that’s not going to get you your health back.

Well, you can’t expect every other person on the street to know your story and that’s unrealistic. I’m writing this post based on nothing but fear, a very natural fear that doesn’t paralyse me mentally or emotionally (or even physically) but serves as a reminder to stay fully aware because that’s all I can do to protect myself. That’s all anyone with any form of disability can really do. And yet, despite all your awareness and presence, things happen. Shit can go wrong because there are so many other factors at play too.

Point being, let fear serve and guide you instead of  letting it paralyse you. Acknowledge fear as a self-protection mechanism and do what’s needed from there. Whoever says they’re not afraid of anything are definitely lying to themselves and the world.

It’s one of those days when I’m in desperate need of help and I don’t want anyone around either. It’s that knowing that your body needs absolute rest that makes you realise that you can’t do without help. All I’ve managed to do since I got up at 5:30am this morning was walk to the kitchen using my cane and make myself coffee hoping my shoulders don’t just pop out while pouring hot water into the cup.

Fatigue is out the roof, pain levels of different joints are all over the place, my back is spasming and my are shoulders loose. I’ve been twisting and turning uncomfortably throughout the night, afraid of either of my shoulders popping out or going numb because I accidentally slept on them for too long.

My shoulders having been snapping in and out without me doing much and it freaking hurts each time it happens. I’ve had to be extremely cautious through last few days and measure each of my movement. The looseness in both my shoulder joints is making it difficult to “find” rest in any position. The tightness around the muscles neck and mid back is adding a fair amount of pain and stiffness (this is a natural response of the body, a self-protection mechanism). My arms and palms are hurting and I just don’t want to touch or carry anything.

What’s worse is that I haven’t been able to tape my shoulders over the last few days as my skin is still healing from a bad tape allergy. Somehow, the lack of proper support apart from my sling has been making me a little apprehensive. That said, this is all very familiar now. I talk about being present and listening closely to your body and today my body demands me to not move. I’ve had work over the last few days which were supposedly rest days but work is fun and I can be a workaholic so I’ve had a hard time practising some self control.

Today, however, there’s nothing that needs to be done except to tend to my body. Everything must wait and anything that can’t, isn’t needed. We have to learn to be patient with ourselves and let our bodies take some time to adjust to a new routines and changes. Prioritise rest and recovery, go one step at a time and ask for help when needed🌷