Choose to heal 💞
Choose to heal 💞
So I’m sitting in my living room listening to mantras, my palo santo burning near my bookshelf, and i suddenly realize how quiet my entire apartment is. Everything is quiet. I’m in a noisy country but at this very point in time it’s all so quiet around me. I love this. I crave for this so much. This quietness is something I want and need to live this life to my very best.
There’s been far too much movement in my life lately (or should I say, all my life) that these moments of stillness is what brings me a sense of stability and peace. It allows me to connect with myself, which has been a little hard lately considering how terribly off track I am in terms of my daily routine and rituals that help me stay sane and manage my health. I can’t possibly stress enough how much a routine and some personal rituals have helped me to get here.
As the unpacking ends and the actual settling in begins, it looks like I can finally let go a little, slow down and focus a lot more on my health.
For the last eight months or so, my health took a backseat as I simply had to get through this move. I’ve been feeling sort of out of my element, you know, kind of scattered and all I know is that it’s not where I like to be. Despite dealing with a lot more health issues throughout 2017, I’ve had to push myself and make things happen. My thought was, the quicker I got things done, the quicker I got to rest. And now that my sanctuary has come alive to quite some extent, it’s time to prioritise health and self-care and work towards my next goal. More on that later.
Okay, I’m going to keep my phone away now and get back to sitting still. To listening to my heart beat. To watching those crazy thoughts come and go. To noticing pain.
To being thankful for being here.
#sanctuary #quiet #evenings #peace #calm #love #home #mantra #meditation #chronicillness #pain #suffering #eds #ehlersdanlos #ehlersdanlossyndrome #illness #routine #rituals #onestepatatime #gratitude #thankyou #health #mind #body
Just yesterday, I found a box filled with all my design stuff which I hadn’t seen in many years. It seems I had forgotten about it and left it with my dad because I wasn’t ready to accept my new reality (and discard anything) and nor was I able resist it. I was experiencing the most horrible internal conflict of all time
To hold on or to let go.
My heart knew well that I needed to let go because I had fought enough and my body was changing. But my mind wouldn’t let me.
Holding on would mean disrespecting and dishonouring the one and only vessel I had for the rest of my life. I had to learn to accept it for what it is but how could I let go of all the things I loved, planned and wanted so much? I was suffering in every way possible.
I knew I had to pause but it was hard to put away my dreams and aspirations for a long period of uncertainty, of not knowing and having answers. And that was scary. But I did it any way because I could no longer neglect the messages from my body.
So when I decided I was ready to jump off the cliff, leave my full-time job, learn to live on my own and put my body first, I told myself I’d deal with this box when I am able to see my past as just one part of my life and not a reflection of my worth . Leaving the box behind, I remember feeling as if a burden of expectation to be the “perfect one” was lifted off my shoulder and at the same time, a heavy sense of grief towards my old self engulfed me.
Who am I without my dreams, I thought.
I know nothing off this path I have carved and imagined. I will be lost. I am lost. And what if I am never found again? What if, despite all my effort and desire to leave my old self behind, I can’t do it? How will I live from here, with the burden of having and wanting to be perfect and knowing that I was born in an imperfect body?
Does honouring my body, which feels like the right thing to do, equate to failure?
Will I be a failure in everyone’s eyes?
Am I a failure in my own eyes?
Here I am now, all set to let go of this box and its contents because they don’t serve the present me.
Maybe it all made sense to some extent then, at the age of 20 and in that once healthy body. I knew nothing more. All I knew came from old, expired programming that I grew up with and around. Today, I believe I am a better version of myself and I’m proud of how far I’ve come.
Of course, my past has served a purpose; it lead me to this day. It taught me the importance of tapping into my inner strength, finding courage to do what is right for the sake of my body, mind and soul without letting the external factors lead me into believing that what I knew was the only truth.
Today, I understand that those around me need not understand me, and that it doesn’t matter if one thinks of me as less but it can be disastrous if I ever let myself think I am not enough. Because I am. And while my path is new and least travelled, it reflects a truer version of myself. It is taking me to a place of peace with my body. I believe and I’ve noticed that this internal shift brings me closer to a life of joy and purpose, one where I wake up everyday knowing I’m making a difference whether or not it is visible to whole wide world and where I live each day as gracefully as possible.
Here I am now,
ready to let go of this box,
both literally and figuratively,
and make space for the new.
With a heart full of gratitude and a lightness, I am ready to give this part of my life a complete closure because I had already said goodbye a long, long time ago.
#chronicillness #ehlersdanlos rarediseaseweek #ehlerdanlossyndrome #hypermobility #EDS #rare #illness #2018 #awareness #pain #suffering #fatigue #brainfog #past #lettinggo #memories #interiorarchitecture #goals #dreams #aspirations#acceptance #health #mind #body #soul #purpose #healing #love
Thank you, for being that one safe and healing space where I could just be without having to worry about what I am “supposed” to be or need to be.
Thank you for reminding me of the power in being soft and letting things unfold at their own pace. You’ve taught me how to find beauty and to come back home to myself whenever I had no where else to go. You’ve been wonderful.
“But you, my dear,
you know well
that you can’t crave the rose
and fear the thorn.”
Throwback to when I could still swim and position my arms a little more comfortably than right now. And now even though I end up walking in the pool or swimming with every move calculated and rehearsed thrice in my mind, I still find some peace being in the water. There’s something absolutely healing about water and I can’t find words to describe it. Leaving behind swimming 15-20 laps a day was hard because swimming was my escape or meditation (and it kept me physically fit enough) I thought, until I couldn’t escape anymore. Until I couldn’t run away from home, from a space I could barely breathe or be alone in, to really listen to my heart beat and know I was still alive. Until my body forced me to stay in bed and find a way to deal with reality, with love and compassion for myself first.
Again, it doesn’t hurt so much anymore so I can actually share these things with you. In fact, this is so freeing, realising that I’ve learnt to let go of things I tried holding on to for a very long time, almost hoping they’d come back and fit together into this picture-perfect life; things that I thought made me who I was. Perhaps the way it happened wasn’t the best but I’m grateful to have realised very early in my life what truly matters. What I was never wrong about was that I was constantly seeking peace and a reason to be happy and activities like dance and swimming kind of gave me a taste of both.
Today, I am thankful my experiences have taught me that true source of peace and happiness, the kind of peace and happiness that makes you really glow, is within us. I can be in bed and in pain and still be at peace, still be somewhat happy knowing what I now know for sure. Getting here took equal parts faith (in my body and something bigger) and conscious actions (because even when you think you don’t have control, you still have a choice to remain stuck or take the next best step), and maybe a dash of sparkles. ✨
Maybe this is a more Indianized version of chicken broth or soup. Each time I caught a flu or fell terribly sick, I’d have this made for me. It’s super easy, doesn’t require much effort and is extremely delicious and nourishing. If you’ve got a sensitive gut like me, this is well worth a try!
You can trust me on this one!
All you have to do is dump in all the ingredients (except cilantro and lemon) into a pot, add water (enough to cover the chicken or a little more than that) and let it boil for a good 30 minutes. Lower the heat, add more water if needed and let the chicken slow cook for another 30 minutes. The chicken cooks so well it practically starts falling off the bone :)
If you’d like to have a thicker broth, you could add and reduce the water a few times. Three times works perfectly.
Bowl it up. Squeeze in some lemon and garnish it with cilantro. That’s it!
Optional – 1 teaspoon of coconut cream/milk.
Don’t let anyone rush you through your healing process. It is not selfish to take the necessary time that you need in order to heal wholly. Don’t let anyone tell you that taking time to heal is selfish. In fact, it is selfish to rush others through their process just because your pace is different. Forgive and continue on your healing journey.
Day six #bedbound: Back is still at 8/10. Burning. Aching. Spasming. This pain won’t let you rest. You can’t recover without rest. It’s a never-ending, vicious cycle. It hurts so bad that you wish you could dismantle yourself and put your back away for a while. But you can’t. There’s absolutely nothing to make it any better. All you can do is what you always do – listen to the pain, tend to it and relax into being where you are at. Stay present.