#ProjectCanada

💗 Proud moment 💗

This was literally the main objective of my trip to Canada.

I was in tears during the ceremony as I recollected bits and pieces of our past and the very fact that I could make it to Canada to celebrate my brother’s big day.

If you had asked me four years back about traveling to Canada (for that matter, traveling anywhere), I’d have told you it was a dream that might not come true. It fills my heart with immense gratitude thinking about everything that has gone behind making this trip possible for me.

M

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The secret life

While I’m very open and honest about my personal experience with EDS Hypermobility, there is also a ‘secret life’, what I call the back end management which not only is something we (the chronically ill) often choose to not share but also something we often can’t share due to the complexity and implications of actually dealing with the illness 24/7.

Most people I know in the community of the ‘chronically ill’ live as authentically as possible and try very hard to share their stories, both to create awareness and for their personal healing and I find that truly inspiring and amazing.

That said, it’s important to keep in mind that it is NOT the whole story. It can’t be, unless you know us personally. No matter how much we try to put our experience out there, it is not the same as living with us and seeing us live — which is something only our near and dear ones get to see.

On my instagram, I try to share both the good and the bad. Whenever possible, it is as raw as it gets. But the truth is, for the number of times my shoulder (or other joints) clicks in and out, for the hours I spend in bed with ice packs and hot packs and the number of times i get palpitations, brainfogs etc., it is practically impossible to be both having the actual experience and sharing it.

I think that’s the reason why so many people who don’t know me well enough, whether biologically related or not, are under the impression that if I smile I am pain-free or I’m not struggling. And sometime, instead of asking, it is assumed that I am fine. Or better.

Similarly when I am bedridden, it is quite commonly assumed that I am sad to the core. Which again, is an assumption.

The truth is, the ‘chronically ill’ have figured a way to be smiling and struggling at the same time. I know it can get extremely confusing for the rest, but if you ever wonder how we’re doing, I suggest you ask instead of assume.

How do you define work?

https://themighty.com/2018/02/unable-to-work-because-of-illness/

Every bit of this resonates with me.

It’s a constant struggle for people like me to remember our worth when there is so much stigma around being sick (especially young and sick) and not being able to work.

It often makes me wonder, how do you define work anyway?

Does work = I bring money to the table every single time? does my voluntary work with kids with troubled childhood which doesn’t earn me anything but makes me feel valuable and like I’m making some difference count as work? Does me trying to help an individual who is newly chronically ill/struggling with their health mean anything in the society at all?

What about the times I teach classes hoping they help those who participate — does that count as work even if it’s not always sustainable? What about the job I did as a receptionist at a pilates studio hoping I’d be able to stick with it and then got bedridden — does that count at all? Is that seen?

Does it matter that people like myself at one point had great aspirations and goals too and had to leave those behind, grieve our old selves and learn to accept what we’re presented with? Does anyone ever see the pain and the courage behind having to leave what brings most of us financial stability and freedom in order to prioritise health?

What about the work you put in day in day out to look after a faulty body? Imagine having to look after an extremely mischievous and sick child who doesn’t listen to you for twenty four seven. No break whatsoever. Not even when you sleep.

It’s easy for people to ask, “what do you do?” because it’s the most common way to start a conversation. It’s also very understandable and I have a standard answer ready. But you won’t believe the number of people I’ve come across up till now with the mindset that if you’re not working, traveling and or working out, you’re probably doing nothing. Or not doing enough of something. Or aren’t ambitious enough. Have no goals. Have nothing figured out.

What makes so many people think that those who’re sick are lazy or not ambitious enough? Couldn’t our ambitions and priorities have changed? Can we not bring empathy, compassion and kindness to the table instead of money? Is it not possible for us to do our part in some other way? Can we not be the people you turn to when things aren’t going right? Can we not support the family and household in other ways?

Or how about this: is it not possible that by us doing our self-work and learning to accept and tend to our illness allows us to manage the illness a little better and hence take some load and burden off those who are trying to support us? Isn’t that work too?

20 degrees and sunny and loving it. Yes, yes, I know. There will be snow, my joints will hurt, winter gets depressing blah and blah and blah. Sure, but what matters right now is that I’m here today and that at one point, I didn’t think it was possible.

This place is making me dig deeper, unravel yet another level and is sort of making me feel lost in a guided way. It’s not the kind of lost that makes you feel afraid. It’s quite the opposite. I’ve been waking up every morning to a renewed sense of curiosity which is nice and refreshing.

I’m looking at things around me, some familiar some not. But I’m seeing them differently. Maybe I needed this. A break, an opportunity to put other things aside for once and be, even if it’s for a while.

I’m not talking about a break from being sick. No, that doesn’t happen. I’m referring to a shift in focus. Not distraction. But to zoom out and see the bigger picture one more time. From constantly *having* to figure out and find solutions quickly (this year is my 10th year of being sick, 6th since diagnosis) to allowing myself some grace.

From being bedridden for 6 months last year to starting to teach again to having to stop again to moving to India to figuring out a million and one things in a new environment (new societal and cultural norms) to adrenaline fatigue and flares of different symptoms, I just haven’t gotten a chance to truly take a long enough pause and realign myself.

And for this reason, it’s quite likely that Canada will hold a special place in my heart. ❤️

#thankyou #canada #2018 #chronicillness

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Update: Two days later, left shoulder is still pretty off position. Pain wise, I’m at about 7/10. There is a fair amount of tightness along my neck and around the shoulder blade which is rather normal. When a joint goes out of position, the muscles around that joint tend to work even harder, tightening, to hold the joint in place. The effect of which is basically over-compensation of the entire body, leaving you feeling more fatigued. The tightness in the muscles around the joint tends to cause more pain than the actual, baseline pain due to sublaxation.

Take a look at my photos and try comparing it with the photo of anterior dislocation. You should be able to see some dents, areas darker than the rest. If you take a closer look at the first photo, which is actually taken two days after my shoulder sublaxed, you’ll be able to see that my humorous is slightly off the glenoid.

In a couple of days from now, I hope to go back to strengthening of the shoulder. You have to give it enough rest before starting the strengthening work, however, the longer you take to start the strengthening process, the longer the shoulder takes to recover. I usually rest it out long enough – i wait till my body gives me a green light or till I have enough confidence to start the strengthening process.

Unfortunately, the strengthening process in itself causes more pain, more tightness and someone a bit of muscle spasms. I end up needing more rest and more trigger point release once I begin the strengthening process. Keep in mind that everyone’s body is different and how it responds is vastly differently too.

Go at your own pace. Know when to listen to your body and when yo listen to your physiotherapist.

 

Rare Disease Day 2018

Today is a big day for us spoonies.

It is the official Rare Disease Day, an observance held to raise awareness for rare diseases and their impact on the lives of patients.

While the purpose of today is to spread awareness for diseases and disorders that affect only a small percentage of the population, I’d also like to take this time to say a big thank you to the spoonie community for making me realize that there is hope, especially during the worst of my years.

Thank you for doing the best you can with what you have and where you’re at and inspiring me to do the same.

Please take a moment today to validate yourself for the progress you’ve made and for the strength and courage you exhibit despite your daily struggle.

I’m ever so grateful to have found to have found this community. You serve as a reminder for me that we are in this together. Thank you for being you, for sharing your story and spreading awareness for all things invisible to most eyes.

Keep going one day at a time!

Friends and family,

If you’d like to show some support and help share awareness, log on to rarediseaseday.org, click get involved and download the material which you can then share on social media. Alternatively, drop me a DM and I can share some material with you.

Love,

Manasi

#showyourrare #showyoucare

#rareillness #rarediseases #awareness #2018 #february28 #rarediseaseday #ehlersdanlos #ehlersdanlossyndrome #eds #hypermobility #pain #brainfog #migraine #dislocations #sublaxations #fatigue #health #mind #body #inspiration #motivation #onedayatatime #love #support #community

A box from the past

#rarediseaseweek #2018

Just yesterday, I found a box filled with all my design stuff which I hadn’t seen in many years. It seems I had forgotten about it and left it with my dad because I wasn’t ready to accept my new reality (and discard anything) and nor was I able resist it. I was experiencing the most horrible internal conflict of all time

To hold on or to let go.

My heart knew well that I needed to let go because I had fought enough and my body was changing. But my mind wouldn’t let me.

Holding on would mean disrespecting and dishonouring the one and only vessel I had for the rest of my life. I had to learn to accept it for what it is but how could I let go of all the things I loved, planned and wanted so much? I was suffering in every way possible.

I knew I had to pause but it was hard to put away my dreams and aspirations for a long period of uncertainty, of not knowing and having answers. And that was scary. But I did it any way because I could no longer neglect the messages from my body.

So when I decided I was ready to jump off the cliff, leave my full-time job, learn to live on my own and put my body first, I told myself I’d deal with this box when I am able to see my past as just one part of my life and not a reflection of my worth . Leaving the box behind, I remember feeling as if a burden of expectation to be the “perfect one” was lifted off my shoulder and at the same time, a heavy sense of grief towards my old self engulfed me.

Who am I without my dreams, I thought.

I know nothing off this path I have carved and imagined. I will be lost. I am lost. And what if I am never found again? What if, despite all my effort and desire to leave my old self behind, I can’t do it? How will I live from here, with the burden of having and wanting to be perfect and knowing that I was born in an imperfect body?

Does honouring my body, which feels like the right thing to do, equate to failure?

Will I be a failure in everyone’s eyes?

Am I a failure in my own eyes?

Here I am now, all set to let go of this box and its contents because they don’t serve the present me.

Maybe it all made sense to some extent then, at the age of 20 and in that once healthy body. I knew nothing more. All I knew came from old, expired programming that I grew up with and around. Today, I believe I am a better version of myself and I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

Of course, my past has served a purpose; it lead me to this day. It taught me the importance of tapping into my inner strength, finding courage to do what is right for the sake of my body, mind and soul without letting the external factors lead me into believing that what I knew was the only truth.

Today, I understand that those around me need not understand me, and that it doesn’t matter if one thinks of me as less but it can be disastrous if I ever let myself think I am not enough. Because I am. And while my path is new and least travelled, it reflects a truer version of myself. It is taking me to a place of peace with my body. I believe and I’ve noticed that this internal shift brings me closer to a life of joy and purpose, one where I wake up everyday knowing I’m making a difference whether or not it is visible to whole wide world and where I live each day as gracefully as possible.

Here I am now,

ready to let go of this box,

both literally and figuratively,

and make space for the new.

With a heart full of gratitude and a lightness, I am ready to give this part of my life a complete closure because I had already said goodbye a long, long time ago.

#chronicillness #ehlersdanlos rarediseaseweek #ehlerdanlossyndrome #hypermobility #EDS #rare #illness #2018 #awareness #pain #suffering #fatigue #brainfog #past #lettinggo #memories #interiorarchitecture #goals #dreams #aspirations#acceptance #health #mind #body #soul #purpose #healing #love

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