Sometimes I wonder if there’s any limit to the pain I experience. Then I suddenly remember that there is only limit to the suffering around the pain and the limit is my mind. The pain is in my body. The suffering is in my mind. Everyday I wake up and choose to lessen my suffering instead of only trying to rid my body of pain which I know has reasons; of which some are beyond my understanding. Thankful to be here today, despite all the different kinds of pain in all the different joints and partly unexplained pain that we are currently investigating again. Happy weekend!
Just yesterday, I found a box filled with all my design stuff which I hadn’t seen in many years. It seems I had forgotten about it and left it with my dad because I wasn’t ready to accept my new reality (and discard anything) and nor was I able resist it. I was experiencing the most horrible internal conflict of all time
To hold on or to let go.
My heart knew well that I needed to let go because I had fought enough and my body was changing. But my mind wouldn’t let me.
Holding on would mean disrespecting and dishonouring the one and only vessel I had for the rest of my life. I had to learn to accept it for what it is but how could I let go of all the things I loved, planned and wanted so much? I was suffering in every way possible.
I knew I had to pause but it was hard to put away my dreams and aspirations for a long period of uncertainty, of not knowing and having answers. And that was scary. But I did it any way because I could no longer neglect the messages from my body.
So when I decided I was ready to jump off the cliff, leave my full-time job, learn to live on my own and put my body first, I told myself I’d deal with this box when I am able to see my past as just one part of my life and not a reflection of my worth . Leaving the box behind, I remember feeling as if a burden of expectation to be the “perfect one” was lifted off my shoulder and at the same time, a heavy sense of grief towards my old self engulfed me.
Who am I without my dreams, I thought.
I know nothing off this path I have carved and imagined. I will be lost. I am lost. And what if I am never found again? What if, despite all my effort and desire to leave my old self behind, I can’t do it? How will I live from here, with the burden of having and wanting to be perfect and knowing that I was born in an imperfect body?
Does honouring my body, which feels like the right thing to do, equate to failure?
Will I be a failure in everyone’s eyes?
Am I a failure in my own eyes?
Here I am now, all set to let go of this box and its contents because they don’t serve the present me.
Maybe it all made sense to some extent then, at the age of 20 and in that once healthy body. I knew nothing more. All I knew came from old, expired programming that I grew up with and around. Today, I believe I am a better version of myself and I’m proud of how far I’ve come.
Of course, my past has served a purpose; it lead me to this day. It taught me the importance of tapping into my inner strength, finding courage to do what is right for the sake of my body, mind and soul without letting the external factors lead me into believing that what I knew was the only truth.
Today, I understand that those around me need not understand me, and that it doesn’t matter if one thinks of me as less but it can be disastrous if I ever let myself think I am not enough. Because I am. And while my path is new and least travelled, it reflects a truer version of myself. It is taking me to a place of peace with my body. I believe and I’ve noticed that this internal shift brings me closer to a life of joy and purpose, one where I wake up everyday knowing I’m making a difference whether or not it is visible to whole wide world and where I live each day as gracefully as possible.
Here I am now,
ready to let go of this box,
both literally and figuratively,
and make space for the new.
With a heart full of gratitude and a lightness, I am ready to give this part of my life a complete closure because I had already said goodbye a long, long time ago.
#chronicillness #ehlersdanlos rarediseaseweek #ehlerdanlossyndrome #hypermobility #EDS #rare #illness #2018 #awareness #pain #suffering #fatigue #brainfog #past #lettinggo #memories #interiorarchitecture #goals #dreams #aspirations#acceptance #health #mind #body #soul #purpose #healing #love
If you ever forget how strong you are, pause for a moment and look back – look at all the times you fell and stood up, not just stronger but courageous enough to try over and over again. Look back at the times you could have shut yourself to love and pain, and built a wall around your heart, but you chose to remain soft and let light in anyway. Look at the times you showed up; for people and yourself. Your story makes only a part of you, and the lessons your learn and how you evolve, make up the rest of you. Ask yourself, “how has my story changed me for the better?” If ever you doubt your strength, your ability to love, your discernment and authenticity to walk your own path, look back… look back and see how far you’ve come. It’ll make it easier to continue moving ahead if you realise how unstoppable you’ve been up till now.
#strength #soft #courage #grow #love #acceptance #life #chronicillness #relationships #chronicillnesswarrior #ehlersdanlossyndrome #hypermobility #friendship #pain #suffering #family #illness #rare #light #journey #pause #unstoppable #keepgoing #faith #trust
It’s been four years since this photo and yet I get goosebumps just thinking about where I was at, both physically and mentally.
I was falling #sick with a cold or a stomach flu every other week, reacting to medicines which were supposed to help, afraid to be alone in my own bedroom, finding it hard to eat, needing help to wash my hair and sometimes even to brush my teeth, hating on my body for being fragile and weak, struggling to protect myself from people, fighting with school because they had no policies in place for people with medical issues, crying myself to bed every night, falling asleep with a strange emptiness in my #heart, waking up to feeling suffocated, hating on my creativity because I couldn’t pursue it the way I wanted to, feeling like every day was an absolute drag… I was claustrophobic in my own #body and #mind.
I wonder if this photo says any of that.
2013 was the year I knew I was done with everyone and everything around, including myself. Something needed to shift and I didn’t know what or how. All I knew was that life couldn’t possibly feel the way it did. Despite feeling like a hostage to my own #existence, there was a glimmer of #hope, a constant knowing that nothing was going to change until I decided to step up to where #life was heading. Stepping up at that point meant pausing and for once allowing myself to let it all sink in. Nothing was going to be anything like I had once imagined and I had to come to terms with that. I couldn’t distract or push myself anymore and I felt horrible. Who thinks about pausing/stopping at 23, right?
The thing is, some of us reach a point in our lives when we are faced with circumstances so real we simply can’t look away from them. Greater things are at play and our personal plans and effort make no sense. Life keeps finding ways to force us to look at what’s being presented and leaves us with two choices – to keep #suffering by avoiding pain OR to acknowledge pain and learn to #rise from there. #trust #acceptance #health #mentalhealth #pause #rest #recover
Looking back, I suppose there were things I had in 2013 which lead me to be where I’m at today. The daily struggle and fight have definitely added to all that I have become as a person and in some ways I’m grateful for it (not for the fight but for what came out of it). Of course, gratitude seemed like the last thing on my mind at that point in time because I was in this terribly dark space. Practicing and expressing gratitude, learning to accept whole and broken parts of me and making choices that honour my health (both mental + physical) has taken time and conscious work. I still have rough days but I’ve made peace with the fact that harder days are part and parcel of learning to live with a chronic illness. Today, I know better than ever before that while life is capable of giving you 5 reasons to fear, hate, complain, it will give you at least three reasons to trust, love and grow.
You can be kind and assertive at the same time 💗Say no when that’s exactly what you want to say. Also, ask yourself who you’d like to explain yourself to and who you can do without having to.
Days of nothing but exhaustion.
People ask me where and how i find strength to get through days like today and while i have a long version of my entire journey up till now + my on-going process,
the shortest response i have is:
“With kindness, patience and love towards my body. It’s a struggle sometimes but sticking to a practise of self-care and self-work is a choice i continue to make every single day. And somewhere in between all that conscious work, i find strength, courage and acceptance.”
🌸Do what makes your soul smile. If that’s dance and you can’t dance, find a way to feel like you’re dancing. Feeling is everything. Find ways to keep your spirit alive while you have to deal with and work around a not-so-healthy body. It’s hard enough on a daily basis and you’re allowed to find ways to make it a tad bit lighter on yourself, okay? You don’t need anyone’s permission for that. You are doing your best with the cards you’ve been dealt.
I can’t dance/perform like before, I can’t just stand up and let loose and dance freely but I can imagine doing it in my mind. I can imagine dancing, performing and choreographing like before and I can FEEL it as if it’s true. It makes me smile from within. That said, I know my body has its limitations and I know what’s right for my health. I don’t have it in me to be stupid and push my body in ways I tried to back in the past. You see, I might have had to leave dance behind but my love for dance will always stay with me and you know what?…that’s enough for me.
This isn’t some law of attraction discussion and I’m not going to say “imagine and you’ll have it” because if you don’t get it, you’d think you didn’t want it enough or you haven’t tried hard enough. If that were really the case, if only imagining solved all my problems, I’d be doing different things at this point because trust me, I’m bloody good with my imagination. All I’m saying is, be true to who you are and things that keep your fire going. Be a little #crazy in your own special ways. Keep those things alive; things that keep your enthusiasm for life going. Keep working on finding ways, finding solutions. Be open to possibilities while being aware of your #reality. I’m not going to tell you to have high expectations out of yourself when you have REAL LIFE limitations and when you’ve worked so hard to leave your old life behind.
Acknowledge your present with your heart and mind. Please do not work on going back to the life in your past which doesn’t serve you anymore today. Please don’t force yourself to walk backwards and create more suffering. Past is gone for a reason. Walk forward with what you have and what you can do. Be very practical + imaginative where necessary 🌸 #chandralekha #bollywood
Hello there spoonies and other friends!
So while I was off social media, I took some time for myself and made sure I brought my interaction with people to a bare minimum. I met just a few people apart from my pilates instructor, physiotherapist, ayurveda therapist and naturopath but I made sure to look at my phone and laptop less. In fact, I wrote more in my journal and typed less on my phone.
Some of the experiences I had just over this week made me think through a lot about how far I’ve come and how far I’m yet to go. When you really make an effort to disconnect with the noise around you and connect with what is already within, you finally hear the noise within you loud and clear. And if you dig deep enough, and have the courage to dig further, you find that there’s so much wisdom residing in there that you barely ever need to seek answers from outside. A lot of what we need to know, we already do.
So, obviously, I made a list of ten things that came up for me in the course of this one week. I took some time to journal and think through each point even more and I figured I have so much to share and so much to learn at the same time. I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to share this list with everyone but I’ve made up my mind to do it anyway. Who knows, it might resonate with someone out there.
1. Listen more; to your inner wisdom and to those who need to be heard
2. Express more gratitude
3. Have the courage to ASK for your needs to be met
4. Be brave and say ‘NO’ if/when necessary
5. Preserve your energy; it’s everything
6. Reframe your past, refocus on your present and reimagine your future
7. Return to the thoughts of peace, love, health and success
8. Validate yourself for every progress you’ve made
9. Make your own decisions. You know what is best for you.
10. Trust that you will always be supported if you’re willing to jump off the cliff. Keep doing your best and being your best even if you’re at your weakest.
The most important thing I realized was that I NEEDED this time. Unless I make a conscious effort to create a space for myself, I will always be a part of something I don’t need to be a part of. Love, Manasi ❤️ #chronicillness #selfcare