this is a photo from last year when I stepped out of my apartment for the first time after being bedridden for seven months. Apart from the trips i made to the hospital for tests and appointments, i was completely bedbound due to a massive lower back flare which caused excruciating pain and muscle spasms in my entire lower body. i was also undergoing a treatment for #sibo, following a highly restrictive diet which was helping my physical symptoms and also changing my relationship with food for the first time. With support from my close friends and a couple of family members, i somehow survived those seven months in my own apartment, walking not more than 200 something steps per day. i think i’ve dealt with times worse than that and have come out a little wiser and stronger each time in my entire life. Despite spending countless nights in pain and doubt of whether i’d get out of bed the next day, i’m still here today. Not ‘fixed’ or magically cured. Just doing my best and allowing myself some rest. And so are you. And I promise, if you’ve come this far, you can go even farther.

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Day 26: Bedbound

It seems my lower back is just going to take its time to heal and I’m slowly starting to ease in. Once it starts to show signs of recovery, I’m confident I’d be able to build it up all over again (you fall, you get hurt, you accept, you adjust, you love, you heal, you put yourself together and you keep going) because I’ve done it time and again.

I might need to investigate if there’s any new injury or anything to worry about as this has been a rather severe back flare up in the last few months. Let’s hope there’s nothing new in there. I plan to get it checked in a few days, once I get through a few more sessions of physiotherapy and Ayurveda treatment to see if my back responds. I postponed getting it checked earlier because I’m aware of a couple of factors which could be hindering the recovery process.

I’m done resisting the present, hoping and expecting my back to respond just because I have a time frame in mind. I’m slowly easing in, accepting that despite my plans for January 2017, there was a need for me to slow down. And here I am finally allowing myself to. I can’t be more grateful for the support I have right now which makes it possible for me to give my back a break for the time being. I’ve dealt with a great deal of instability for years altogether and realise the importance of having support/stability AND also being grateful for whatever of it you have.

This is not to say that I can wait for too long to feel more like myself again. I feel like a zombie version of myself right now! Truth being said, nobody enjoys experiencing so much pain or dealing with limitations. I seriously despise being unable to do things I’ve worked so hard to get myself to over the last couple of years. I think it’s always good to pause as long as you don’t quit. The  present situation  calls for me to rest, to let go more so my back heals and regains its strength again. I know I’ll be back on my feet soon enough.

Love to all,

MD

❤︎

Day 13: Bedbound

In the last 13 days of being bedridden, I had three alsolutely healthy individuals telling me that I shouldn’t have done something I did on New Year’s Eve. What did I do on New Year’s Eve? I went out for dinner (DINNER) with friends, couldn’t sleep till 4am and woke up in excruciating pain. And did I complain to you? Nope.

These three individuals aren’t even close to me and most definitely don’t know what it is like to be chronically sick for eight years and the consequences it has on one’s life.

 I completely, from the bottom of my heart understand that they were probably concerned and perhaps I need to just let it go and I certainly will. However, I choose to share this today because I want to bring across a very important message.

On behalf of all of us, the chronically ill community, whose lives generally revolve around their health, acceptance and gazillion other life-altering decisions, I want to say something:

Every single decision we make is consciously thought through by us. Whether that’s something as minor as choosing to use a fork instead of chopsticks, or something major such as having to leave school or a full-time job, or, to once in a while allow ourselves to do something we normally don’t. One can’t even begin to imagine the lengths we go to weigh out pros and cons etc. Every cause and effect is measured. And even then ,our bodies fail us sometimes. Even after all the thinking and taking necessary precautions, there are times when our bodies have other plans and leave us in utter disbelief of the amount of pain something can cause.

At the end of the day, we are not fortune tellers and as much as we can base some of our future decisions on our past health-related experiences, we cannot deprive ourselves of being human. Most of us are extremely responsible people leading a rather simple life, filled with passion and gratitude despite all our struggles. And, let’s be honest, our health usually doesn’t allow for bad decisions.

The last thing we’d want to hear when we’re dealing with such heightened pain is what we “should” have done or not done or do. When you tell someone that they should do something (or not), you make them feel incapable of making right decisions for themselves. It’s almost as if you believe you know what’s better for them. Trust me, you don’t.

What would help instead is to simply ask how we’re doing and if there’s anyway in which you could help. Thank you.