Last few days highlighted my disability and helplessness in ways I have and continue to learn and make peace with.
I fell at a shopping mall and hurt my knee (falling down or getting into an accident is a big nightmare from someone like me), I saw a beautiful cat get hit by a car and realized how I couldn’t do much to save her only due to my physical limitations (post coming up) and the emotional pain of partial dependency and coming to terms with it you when you’re chronically ill (none of us choose dependency as option one. We didn’t consciously ask to be ill or unhealthy. And while we find ways to adapt and make peace with it because health is wealth, look at lessons and opportunities to evolve, it isn’t an easy process. Being sick is hard even if we figure out ways to make it slightly more tolerable. It isn’t easy knowing your strengths, your capability, your personality and attitude, your education, your drive and passion and then having to accept some amount of dependency due to physical limitations/dis(abilities). Do not get me wrong – I don’t regret having made certain choices and decisions, all I’m saying is that these were some of the most difficult and brave decisions I’ve made in favour of my health and I’m glad I did. I don’t know where I’d have been today had I not followed my guidance, despite all the external resistance. Just because something is right for you, doesn’t mean that it will be comfortable to come to terms with. However, you feel at peace deep within knowing you’ve honoured your health/stood up for yourself) came up for me through a rather time-wise unexpected, but intuitively anticipated news.
I won’t say anymore.
For now, I just need to be present and allow these emotions to run through me. It’s okay to have all kinds of ‘feels’ and feel ridiculously uncomfortable sometimes. Trust the process even if it seems unbearable for there is light within you and at the end of the tunnel. Feeling is being human, feeling is being alive. Let yourself have the time to process/work through emotions and once you’re ready, stand up, show up and take necessary actions to move forward.