Might be adding another item to my #disability aid. I’ve had braces, slings, tapes and guards up till now and they’re all useful in their own unique way. Plus, they work together to keep me moving about and functioning. As much as I try not to become overly dependent on them, I also know that they’re just part of my support aid and that’s totally fine.

Lately I’ve been on my feet quite a bit and things just seem more busy in my #life (compared to last year) – I don’t think it’s the good kind of busy – it’s the “can’t help it” sort of busy, and I do hope I’m able to handle this situation (physically) as well as I imagine to (mentally). It gets really exhausting and in the last couple of weeks, I’ve had times when I seriously couldn’t get out of bed. All my #joints were in a bad state but the sharp pain right underneath both my knee caps literally made it hard for me to stand up and even walk around the house to get the things I need in order to help myself.

I guess that’s when it hit me again – and it has hit me before back in 2014 when both my knees gave in – that I might need extra #support at some point. I do usually have my knees taped up, and when I don’t, I have guards to make sure that my kneecaps are in place and I’m able to walk around. Then again, there are some days when I feel even that isn’t enough. No, it’s not just in my brain and no, I’m not planning to become overly dependent on my disability aid as such. In fact, on certain days, I choose to train my body without them and I manage okay at times. I make sure I carry it all in my bag though, you know, just in case.

Again, I wish everything was all uncomplicated and didn’t require much thinking, and as we all know, that’s not the case. Using a walking stick means using a lot more of my wrist. You see, your body has to work together, all it’s dangling joints need to team up and say, “okay! It’s our turn to look after you (a particular joint) today.” and help you manage part of your body that require the most attention. At times, it doesn’t work – it simply doesn’t. Because your entire body says, “You know what. No. Not today. Today I choose to not work. End of story. Period.” That’s when it gets the hardest to manage. It’s the hardest when the intense physical pain you experience  starts to affect your mental capacity to focus or get through the day. You get the idea?

So when I decide I probably need a walking stick, it also means I have to think trough it properly. A lot more than I like. Will my right shoulder be able to take it? Can my wobbly wrist manage the extra pressure? I’m here trying to lessen the pressure on my knee caps, but can my arms handle it? It’s a lot of decisions. You can read my previous blogpost about how you’re constantly – and I mean it – constantly,making decisions all day long if you’re living with an illness that’s chronic and causes you pain all the time. Pain lives in your body.

I’m almost certain about the walking stick, though I still have to weigh certain options out. A person from my Instagram community of spoonies recently happened to get a walking stick too (it was funny how I saw her post just when I had made a decision), and she said something like, well, if you’re going to be disabled at twenty-something, then you might as well be stylish about it. SO agree  with her! Alright, though style is least of my concern right now  (duh, it never is for anyone like us), if the walking stick is functional, provides me the needed support AND looks and feels like “me”, then I’d love that. 

Let’s see how the search for my walking stick goes. How does it feel like to “need” a walking stick at 25? Well, not great. Not the best feeling. But also, once again, as your grow with your illness, you learn to accept your needs for what they are. Even if sometimes they are like that of a little, old, grandma. That’s why, I think it’s completely OKAY to need and want anything in your life that makes your experience of living just a bit easier, if not worthwhile. If there is anything that can help to lessen the pain or at least provide extra support or stability  to your body, it’s worth it. For me, everything is based on what’s right for my health and body in the short, and long-run. I look at my decisions and actions through the lens of my body; from my body’s point of view.

Because it works the best that way.

Goodnight, all!

❤︎