Over the last eight to ten days, I have been looking and searching and texting and chatting and writing and talking and asking and answering so many things that I think my brain is practically dead out of the excessive energy drainage. Nope, this is not something I am able to handle. Though I’ve gotten better, and certain choices that I made are proving to be right, I don’t think I have an unlimited supply of energy stored inside of me to handle so many things all at once.
It’s been a crazy hunt this time round too, and even with my physical limitation, I have managed to overcome this hunt. It’s a little accomplishment and worth a mini celebration because such factors add to the stability I need, which allows me to then work on things that I want to work on!
ODAAT has been on a pause for about a week. I came back home from a 6 week long family vacation and a new disc injury, ready to settle in and start with things I had planned to work on for ODAAT. Within a few days, I found out that I had to leave again and I was reminded how unpredictable things can get once more! Not everything goes according to plan all the time. I wasn’t expecting this; so when I found that I had to leave, I wished I hadn’t unpacked from my vacation. The amount of energy lost in packing and unpacking just cannot be underestimated. I felt bad that ODAAT had to be on hold again, but my mantra has been One Day At A Time for a longggggg time anyway and I’ll just have to create another ‘flexi-plan’ when I’ve finally settled down in my new place. Looks like it’s time for yet anther directional change. A BIG major directional change. Leaving a place all of a sudden, managing a new disc injury and feeling weak from it, knowing the possibility of your close friend leaving and having no idea if you’d find a place just in time sounded like a bad combination of things to happen all together.
But it all turned out fine.
I looked up places like a mad woman, day in day out, could barely nap, had terrible sleep at night, and the concept of self-love faded off my mind for a bit because I was convinced that finding the right place was more important in this time of my life more than anything else. When you’re doing a lot of internal work, looking after yourself and working towards a future once again, the last thing you want is to be in an environment that doesn’t serve the same purpose for you. I decided that finding THAT one place for me to live in is going to be a true gift of self-love that I can give to myself at this point.
Yes. Uncertainty multiplied by a about a million.
One thing that was particularly different this time too was my fear level. I knew that place was out there for me; I was just a little nervous about the time that I was left with. I did my job to the best of my capacity (fine, I did push my body by a fair amount) and because I have to always think in terms of my body, the time limit just made no sense. Even then, I am happy to have handled this entire situation fairly well. Sometimes looking at the most unexpected events in your life as an opportunity to grow makes so much of a difference. This is an opportunity for me to grow. Thankfully, it’s been progressive, and even though it seems like ONE FAT LEAP FORWARD again, I’m less afraid of falling. I’m very very grateful to have been in this place for the last ten months or so, learning to look after myself, taking baby steps forward and around the house, and having a very understanding flatmate to share this little place with.
The way I found my existing place last year was either a random stroke of luck or something that was meant to be this way. I’d like to think it was both. Back then, I was sure about my decision but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to survive. Finding a place that gave me all the space I needed along with someone I could speak life with, just sitting on the couch on random nights, was a great start to my goal towards becoming more independent.
I now look forward to yet another chapter of my life and as daunting as it can get to do this once again, I am ready. I’ve seen that sometimes you just have to let go of the cliff first to realize the immense strength and power you have residing within you or to notice all the different arms and fluffy, padded cushions just waiting to receive you. Support comes from all over the place if we are willing to open up, share our vulnerabilities and ask for help – neither of which equal to weakness.