I’ve been tiptoeing quite a bit since last year. One tiny conscious step at a time, I’ve been making changes to my life, all in an attempt to welcome a new way of living. In the right direction. I’ve taken some really big steps and some not so big ones – but I’ve take a step forward and that’s all that matters. I’ve made an effort to let go of certain things and accept a whole lot of other things.
Throughout past couple of years especially, I felt a need for change deep within me; right in my core. I always felt that things were too out of balance. I knew what I needed, what I was secretly craving.. but because of how my health was doing and for other personal reasons, I was never able to actually take the necessary next steps towards fulfilling those needs. There was always something holding me back or tying me down. I knew being where I was at that point was beginning to weigh me down and that just didn’t feel right anymore. I had to move on. I knew I had to move on. I knew I deserved to move on too, even with an illness. Yet, I couldn’t. I found myself ‘trapped up’ in circumstances I didn’t quite create for myself. I needed to move forward for my health… but it was also my health holding me back a bit. The fear of not being able to manage was hard to ignore.
Then sometime after my Birthday last year, I felt this strange kind strength inside of me…deep in my core again, this voice that said, “Do it. You know what you need. You know exactly what it is that your body needs. You know how badly you need what you need. Do it.” I was afraid. What if this was the biggest mistake of my life? What if I couldn’t manage? What if I didn’t figure everything out? What if I needed help? What if I needed extra support? What if this and what if that? My brain was going all out in order to scare me. To make me think. To protect me in some ways. It was only doing its job. But there was this other part of me which knew that no matter what came out of the decisions I took, no matter how scary things were, no matter how painful things could get… I could no longer continue being where I was. I couldn’t possibly allow myself to be stuck where I was just because I had no answers to what future holds for me. No one knows what future holds for anyone anyway. I wanted a change. I wanted to know I could look after myself. I wanted to see it happen. The urge for the present to change began to feel MUCH GREATER than the fear of not being able to manage. Something needed to change. Something had to. I was starting to see beyond the fear.I couldn’t disregard what my body needed.
Sometimes we know exactly what need to change and how to change it… but we still can’t get ourselves to make it happen. Something stops us… our thoughts, our emotions, people, circumstances, culture… beliefs…this list goes on. And then suddenly one day we find ourself in a place we don’t quite like. It happens to all of us. So before anything got worse, I thought it was time. For once, I trusted myself for knowing that my journey was real… and even with all the fear trying to hold me back, I gathered every bit of courage I could find within myself and took a massive leap of faith. I had waited by the cliff too long and saw nothing change for me. I stood there too long. I didn’t need to anymore. I had done my bit. My body was falling apart. There was no turning around and going back. I didn’t even want to. I just wanted to jump off, even if that meant falling down again. I wanted to jump off because that felt better than hanging on. I took the leap, without any clear answers for tomorrow. Isn’t that what a leap of faith is all about?
I did it. And now some six months later, I am still tiptoeing. Slowly. Steadily. I’m learning. I’m alright.